Worst jokes

In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton?" 86% replied, "Not again"

What's the difference between John Denver and Michael Kennedy?
→ John Denver made it alive out of Aspen.

Has Elton John re-written any of his songs for Michael Kennedy?
→ Not yet, but he's done one about the tree: "I'm Still Standing"

How can you be sure that Michael was really a Kennedy?
→ Check the family tree.

A simple accident? Some witnesses insist there was a second tree at the snow-covered knoll...

What do Michael and JFK Jr's magazine "George" have in common?
→ Wood pulp.

New bumper sticker....
"Plant A Tree....
Kill A Kennedy...."

What will it take to reunite the four Kennedy brothers?
→ One more bullet.
→ A season lift pass.

President Clinton, returning from a campaign stop in Arkansas, is climbing the steps to board Air Force One. Under each arm he is carrying a souvenir of his trip -- a live razorback. At the top of the jetway, he is met by the guard, a Marine sergeant, who issues a crisp salute.

- I'd salute you back, Sergeant - says the President - but as you can see, I've got my hands full.

- Yes, sir - replies the sergeant - Very nice pigs, sir. Very nice pigs.

- Why, these aren't pigs - the President responds - These are RAZORBACKS!

- Yes, sir -- razorbacks. Sorry, sir.

- Yup - Clinton continues - Got this one for Chelsea, and this one for Hillary.

The sergeant replies:

- Very good trade, sir -- very good trade.

Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Bill Clinton are sitting in a helicopter and Bill starts to think. He sits there for about 15 minutes and finally Hillary asks why he is looking so sad.

He says:

- I just was wondering what I could do for the poor countries.

- Well - says Chelsea - you could throw $100,000 out the window of the helicopter. I'm sure that the poor will get some of it.

He agrees that it's a good idea and he does.

About 5 minutes later he starts thinking again.

Hillary asks:

- Why do you still look so sad? You just threw $100,000 out the window of the helicopter. That helped a lot of poor people.

He says:

- I still feel like I didn't do enough.

She says:

- Well, Bill, why don't you throw another $100,000 out the window? That should make a lot of people happy.

Again he says it's a good idea and he does.

A few moments later and again he looks unhappy and he says:

- I still don't think I've done enough.

This time the helicopter pilot pipes up and says:

- Why don't you throw yourself out the goddamn window...that will make everyone in America happy.

Shortest Book of the Month: Ronald Reagan's "Memories"

California officials have determined that students would probably do better with math word problems, if they could relate them to real life examples. Towards that end, may I present:

The City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name: Gang:

1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit?
4. Jarome want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $425 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years is he likely to get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses?
10. Salvador was arrested for dealing crack & his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?

What it all boils down to

criminals
Democrats: Give them a second chance
Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death

the poor
Democrats: Give them some food
Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death

endangered species
Democrats: give them protection
Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death

dictators
Democrats: give them a way out
Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death

the uninsured
Democrats: Give them some health care
Republicans: Given them the swift sword of death

the cost
Democrats: $9,000,000,000,000,000,000
Republicans: $29.95 (cost of one sword)

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said:

- I was going to park there!

The man was a real smart aleck and he said:

- That's what you can do when you're young and bright.

Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked:

- What did you do that for?

The little old lady smiled and told him:

- That's what you can do when you're old and rich!

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter:

- Jacob: Are you the owner?

- Pharmacist: Yes.

- Jacob: Do you sell heart medication?

- Pharmacist: Of course we do.

- Jacob: How about medicine for circulation?

- Pharmacist: All kinds.

- Jacob: Medicine for rheumatism?

- Pharmacist: Definitely.

- Jacob: How about Viagra?

- Pharmacist: Of course.

- Jacob: Medicine for memory?

- Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety.

- Jacob: What about vitamins and sleeping pills?

- Pharmacist: Absolutely.

- Jacob: Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies.

They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.