Worst jokes

- Ken: So Mr. President did you ever buy Lewinsky any gifts?

- Prez: I don't rightly recall ... actually I did once splash out on a dress for her

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded:

- What took you so long?

and he replied:

- Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

The Lord said to Noah:

- In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark.

Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall. Noah sat in his front yard, weeping.

- Why haven't you built the ark? - asked the Lord.

- Oh, forgive me - said Noah. I did my best, but so many things happened.

- The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience..

- The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals.

- The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the flood. the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain.

- The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians.

- I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years.

Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. Noah looked up and said:

- Lord, does this mean you're not going to devastate the earth?

- Right - said the Lord - The government already has.

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest, when suddenly a tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and pull themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of OZ. Naturally, they decide to go to see the Wizard of OZ.

Says Quayle:

- I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain.

Says Gingrich:

- I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart.

Clinton says:

- Where's Dorothy?

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. Sleeping Beauty proclaimed:

- I am the most beautiful person in the world.

- No, you're not - answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

Tom Thumb shouted:

- I am the smallest person in the world.

- No, you're not - said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.

Don Juan announced:

- I've had more lovers than any person in the world.

- No, you haven't - replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming:

- I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so.

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty:

- I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees.

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering:

- Who the hell is Bill Clinton?

This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells:

- Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself.

- What? - the operator exclaimed.

- I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police! - the little old lady repeated.

- Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?

- Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!

Bumper sticker seen in Cambridge, Mass: "Re-elect President Gore in 2000"

In light of the latest allegations against President Clinton, Woodward and Bernstein of Watergate fame are in negotiations with publishers to write a new book about the scandal. Working title: "All the President's Women."

If Kenneth Starr can extend his probe, what is wrong with Clinton doing the same?

- Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, did you have an improper relationship with Monica Lewinsky?

- Pres: Improper? ... Ain't nothing improper about that. That was one of the sweetest interns I've ever had.