During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
- Sorry sir - said one of the loafers - but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way.
The C.O. turned to his driver and said:
- Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction.
The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.
The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said:
- Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two.
If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch.
Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from some of the surrounding colleges to attend.
The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their most trustworthy students.
The Captain hesitated, then said:
- Would it also be possible to send a dozen or so of the other kind ?
The Master Chief was inspecting the barracks and he overheard one terrified recruit whisper:
- Master Chief Barnes has the heart of a tiny child . . . on his desk . . . in a jar.
Without missing a beat, Master Chief Barnes snarled:
- Goddamned if they don't find out EVERY little thing about you!
Young Amanpreet never quite got over his miserable childhood as an orphan in the ghetto. When he turned 18 he joined the Marines, but old habits die hard and one night the sergeant found him rummaging around the garbage and eating out of the discarded cans and jars.
- On your feet, Lizard Pecker - he bellowed.
- You'll eat in the message hall -- you're no better than the rest of us!
During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel.
- Your jeep stuck, sir? - asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
- Nope, Yours is - replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys.
The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from AirForce fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft.
- Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,' because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump - the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon.
- You've got it all wrong, Major - an Air Force sergeant replied.
- The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary.
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor:
- Why do you want to join the Navy, son?
- My father said it'd be a good idea, sir.
- Oh? And what does your father do?
- He's in the Army, sir.
The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field. As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said:
- Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.
The CO said:
- I see millions of stars.
- 1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"
- CO: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"
- 1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."
A marine general, an army general and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men.
The army general says:
- Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!
The private reports as ordered:
- Yes sir?
The general says:
- See that man over there? Kill him!
Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
The general says:
- See? That man has balls!
The marine general says:
- That's nothing. Private, get over here!
The marine private reports:
- Yes, sir?
The marine general says:
- See that man over there? Kill him and then kill yourself.
Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.
The marine general says:
- See? Now that man has balls!
The admiral says:
- That's nothing.
He calls to a seaman high up on a tower:
- Hey, seaman, jump off that tower!
The seaman answers:
- Excuse me, sir?
The admiral repeats:
- JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!
The seaman replies:
- Fuck you, sir!
The admiral says:
- See? That man has balls and he's got brains too!
