Worst jokes

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight a World War Three?" "Yes, comrades, looks like you will," answers the general. "And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks. "The likelihood is that it will be China." The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?" "Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time." "But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough jews"?

A recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range for the first time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind them. Despondent, he said to the sergeant:

- I think I'll just go and shoot myself.

The sergeant said:

- Better take a couple of extra bullets!

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.

The corporal explained the procedure:

- You count to ten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn't open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up.

The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo!" and jumped out of the plane. He counted to ten and pulled the ripcord. The chute failed to open.

He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn't open. As he plummeted downward, he said:

- I'll bet that goddamn truck won't be there either!

It was the age when knighthood was in flower.

A young lady was pounding away at a piece of iron with a sledgehammer. Another young lady saw her and asked:

- What are you doing?

The first one answered:

- I'm making socks and sweater for some soldier boy!

Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have change for a dollar. He saw Private Duncan mopping the base's corridor floors, and asked him:

- Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Private Duncan replied:

- Sure.

The Corporal turned red. He said:

- That's no way to address a superior officer! Now let's try it again. Private, do you have change for a dollar?

Private Duncan replied:

- No, SIR!

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India.

One man he passed sported an enormous erection.

- Sergeant-Major! - the colonel shouted.

- Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave.

- Yessir - the Sgt. Major replied.

A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.

- Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave - the Colonel barked.

A few months later, same guy, same problem.

The Colonel is angry.

- Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?

- Yessir - the Sgt. Major replies.

- Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major? - the Colonel asks.

The Sgt. Major salutes and says:

- Sir. It's you he's fond of.

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa. After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it; this is the first time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand."

A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years in the Sahara desert never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them all about it. After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed. The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great escapades.

- And on the third day... - he began.

- No! no! start with the first day - Everyone yells out in chorus.

- And on the third day - the private continues - she asked me to stop so she could go to the bathroom...

The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex.

- Oh - he mused - It was 1945.

- Isn't that a long time to go without sex? - the doctor asked.

- I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13.

Why did congress enact the Marine Corps?
→ So, the sailors would have someone to dance with!