A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says:
- Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.
The woman answered:
- Well, I have contacts.
The policeman replied:
- I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!
Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police.
The officer asked:
- What are those knives doing in your car?
- I juggle them in my act.
- Oh yeah? - says the cop.
- Let's see you do it.
So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says:
- Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!
A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says:
- So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!
Pointing to the sky, he continues:
- God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth.
The priest replies:
- I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims:
- And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune.
The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks:
- Aren't you having any, Rabbi?
The rabbi replies:
- Nah... I think I'll wait for the police.
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home.
- Oy Morris - said grandma.
- You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered:
- I wasn't lost..... I was just too tired to walk home.
In prison, you get three square meals a day. At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it. In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle. At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation. In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even. At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable. In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free. At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years. In prison, all your medical care is free. At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.
In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up. At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave. In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day. At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again? In prison, you get your own personal toilet. At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them. In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes. At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean. In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go. At home, you take everybody else where they need to go. In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing. At home, you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar. In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't.
At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said:
- Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!
- Don't worry, Bubba - Earl said.
- We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.
- What fer? - asked Bubba.
- Just let me do the talkin', OK? - said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said:
- You boys been drinkin'?
- No, sir - said Earl while pointing at the labels.
- We're on the patch.
A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife:
- I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:
- Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold.
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
- You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden.
The prisoner wrote another letter:
- Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied:
- Tonight I'm the designated decoy.
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
- Man: What's the problem officer?
- Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
- Man: No sir, I was going 65.
- Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
- Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
- Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
- Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
- Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
- Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
- Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
- Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
- Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
- Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.
- You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it.
- Oh yes dear, what happened?
- I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
- Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?
- Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.
