Worst jokes

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

- I'm sorry sir - the first trooper told the driver.

- but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.

Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied:

- Tacks evasion.

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
21. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
22. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
23. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
24. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
25. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
26. Bad cop. No donut.
27. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
28. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
29. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
30. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
31. I pay your salary
32. So uh, you on the take or what?
33. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
34. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
35. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
36. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
37. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
38. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
39. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked:

- Doctor, you must help me - she pleaded.

- It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.

- I see - nodded the psychiatrist.

- And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.

- NO!!! - exclaimed the nurse.

- I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed:

- Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this.

- What's the problem? - the doctor inquired.

- Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.

- My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you.

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face:

- Did my advice not work? - asked the doctor.

- It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.

- So, what's your problem?

- I don't have a problem, - the man replied.

- My wife does.

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three:

- People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.

The others agreed.

Then one said:

- Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed:

- I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.

The second psychiatrist said:

- I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want.

The third followed with:

- I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed:

- I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret...

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Gene Robinson, 24, was arrested in Dayton, Tenn., after having sat for part of a session as a member of a grand jury hearing drug cases. He had already voted on 20 indictments when the next name that came up was his. He raised his hand, said:

- That's me, and excused himself. His fellow members indicted him, and police arrested him at his home a short time later.

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance. But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why ! The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words : Psycho-the-rapist.

Shakey went to a psychiatrist.

- Doc - he said - I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!

- Just put yourself in my hands for two years - said the shrink. Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears.

- How much do you charge?

- A hundred dollars per visit.

- I'll sleep on it - said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.

- Why didn't you ever come to see me again? - asked the psychiatrist.

- For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.

- Is that so! How?

- He told me to cut the legs off the bed!

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.

The patient replied:

- Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.

Patient #1 replied:

- Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb.

The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1:

- If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself

Patient #1 replies:

- What? And work in the dark?

A guy goes to a psychiatrist.

- Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?

- It's very simple. You're two tents.