Worst jokes

One blond says to another:

- How did you die?

- I froze to death - says the second.

- That's awful - says the first blonde.

- How does it feel to freeze to death?

- It's very uncomfortable at first - says the second blonde.

- You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?

- I had a heart attack - says the first blonde.

- You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.

The second blonde shakes her head:

- What a pity ... if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him:

- I've kidnapped you.

She then wrote a note saying:

- I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.

The blonde pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said:

- How could you do this to a fellow blonde?

A blonde travels to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She meets a foreman of a logging organization who offers to give her a job. - Now, I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day - the foreman told her. The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best. She came back drenched in sweat.

- Geez lady, how many trees did you cut down? - asked the foreman.

- 6 - she replied.

- What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier tomorrow!

So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted.

- How many this time? - asked the foreman.

- 12 - she said.

The foreman says:

- That does it. I'm coming out there with you tomorrow morning!

The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says:

- This is how to cut down trees really quickly.

He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUUUMMM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically, so he asks her what's wrong. And she replies:

- What the hell is that noise?

Airport Security alerted an airline crew to keep an eye a blonde passenger who appeared excessively nervous and shifty-eyed. Soon after takeoff, the blonde man called a stewardess to his seat and said:

- I have a live grenade in my pocket. I'll blow up the plane if you do not divert to Cairo.

Perplexed, the stewardess said:

- But, sir. This is TWA flight 1219 to Cairo.

- Damn! - replied the blonde passenger, I got on the wrong plane.

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down.

He demands:

- What's so funny?

She says:

- Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!

How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail?
→ Envelopes in the disk drive.

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says:

- Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?

She says:

- Why, officer?

- Because your breast is hanging out.

She looks down and says:

- OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!

A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt. "Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?"

There was a blonde, a red head, and a brunette and they were all up in space. Each girl tried thinking up ways to be better then the other two...

The red head said:

- I am going to be the first woman to land on mars.

The brunette said:

- I can beat that, I'll be the first woman to land on saturn.

The blonde said:

- I'll beat both of you, I'll be the first woman to land on the sun.

- How are you going to do that - the other two asked.

- Simple - said the blonde.

- I'll go at night!

A depressed young blonde was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said:

- Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added:

- I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.

The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.

- What are you doing here? - the Captain asked.

- I have an arrangement with one of the sailors - the blonde explained.

- He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me.

- He sure is, lady... This is the Staten Island Ferry!