Worst jokes

Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then attempt to make the correct diagnosis.

They spotted this old fellow leaving a bar sort of "duck waddling" down the street at a slow pace. The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didn't agree with each others diagnosis of the his problem. One says:

- my friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia. Which of us is correct?

The old man replies:

- Well fellas, I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong!

There was this old guy wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals:

- Crisco? Crisco? CRIS--CO!!!!

Finally a store clerk approached.

- Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five.

- Oh - replied the old guy - I'm not looking for Crisco, I'm calling my wife.

- Your wife is named Crisco?

- Nah - he answered - I only call her that when we come to the supermarket.

- Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?

- Lard Ass!

When is the only polite time to slap a midget?
→ When he says, "Gee, your hair smells terrific."

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says:

- Would you like to dance?

The girl says:

- I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you!

The guy says:

- I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!

Why did God give man a penis?
→ So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up!

What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
→ Its Braille for "suck here."

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
→ Lipstick.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
→ They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
→ They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
→ After 5 years your job will still suck.

How is a women like a condom?
→ Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What's the difference between a '90's woman and a computer?
→ A '90's woman won't accept a three and a half inch floppy.

Several years ago, after having Japanese executives from the automotive industry tour a Ford Plant, they held a press conference in which one of the Japanese execs claimed that the American workers were slow and lazy.

Not long after, a friend sent me a picture of a bumper sticker on a truck at the Ford plant.

It read:

- We may be slow and lazy, but we build a damn good bomb!

- Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish sandwich and I realize, Oh my God...

I could be eating a slow learner! - Lynda Montgomery

- If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. - Johnny Carson

- Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. - Paul Rodriguez

And from George Carlin...

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If firefighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?

If all babies are cute why are there so many ugly people in the world?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?

Who is more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?

When Dr. Kevorkian watches ER does he root against the doctors?

Why do they have Braille number pads at drive-through bank machines?

Is it ok to go door-to-door selling "No Soliciting" signs?

If it was a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Why is back pain medication always on the bottom shelf?

If talk is cheap, why is my phone bill so high?

If someone comes up to you and tells you that they're an obsessive compulsive liar, how do you know they're telling the truth?

How can you tell if Don King is having a bad hair day?

Should bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how do you know if it's wrong?

Do bleached blondes just pretend to have more fun?

Did the early settlers ever go on camping trips?

Why are the other lines always moving faster-until you get into one of them?

How can a person get a life sentence & be eligible for parole in 15 years?

Stressed out...try some of these relaxing tidbits :)

1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. (This one is great to teach neices and nephews!)
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill. (Even better to call after doing it and say you didn't authorize it and want to know what the hell is going on!)
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. (This one keeps cats and men occupied for awhile.)
4. When someone says "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans. (Like going the store to stock up on ammunition maybe?)
5. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are. (And if she's cute, always ask if assistance is available.)
6. Dance naked in front of your pets. (Not recommended for anyone with a pet Gorilla.)
7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards, and send him/her off to school as if nothing is wrong. (You can get real creative here...especially if you put a dress on your son.)
8. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages. (Trust me...they're in there! I found 70 in just the A's!)

Well, if there's any truth to this study at all, then I should live to be 180 minimum! :)

From the New England Journal of Medicine:

Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine:

- Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out - declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby.

Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.

The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease.

- Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation - explains Dr. Weatherby.

- There's no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier.

- Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years.

...hmmm - I wonder if PC boobies count?

P.S: I've already volunteered myself to science just in case they want to do a "hands on" study of the same type...woo-hoo!

1. You've got a hole in your head.
2. Your master strangles you all the time.
3. Your head is smaller than the rest of you.
4. You shrink in cold water.
5. You never get a haircut.
6. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
7. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
8. Your best friend is a pussy.
9. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
10. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.