Worst jokes

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling:

- Well, how was it?

The woman says:

- You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf.

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

- What's wrong with you? - she asked him.

- Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16? - he replied.

- And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison.

Baffled, she said:

- yes, I remember. So?

- Well...

- I would have gotten out today!

A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.

Just as he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system:

- Will the gentleman on the lady's tee please move back to the men's tee.

He looked up, looked back down and then resumed addressing the ball again.

The Voice again:

- Will the Man on the Red tees PLEASE MOVE BACK to the White Tees?!

He looked back at the starters shack and yelled:

- Will the IDIOT on the p.a. shut up so that the man on the lady's tee can hit his second shot!

One of the nation's largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, "Clinton Soup", that will honor one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water!

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied:

- I don't know, I never had one.

If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?

Chelsea asked her dad:

- Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?

Bill Clinton replied:

- No, some begin with 'After I'm elected'.

Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.

Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Revised judicial oath:

- I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason!

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works...:

- We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside.

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:

- All the men on this floor are short and plain.

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads:

- All the men here are short and handsome.

Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads:

- All the men here are tall and plain.

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect:

- All the men here are tall and handsome.

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads:

- There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman!

Two robins were sitting in a tree. - I'm really hungry - said the first one.

- Me, too - said the second.

- Let's fly down and find some lunch.

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.

- I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree - said the first one.

- Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun - said the second.

- O.K. - said the first.

They plopped down, basking in the sun.

No sooner had they fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought... are you ready for this...

- I just love baskin' robins!

Three drunks were sitting at a bar. The first one said...:

- I went in my daughter's room, looked in the drawer and found a pack of cigarettes.

He paused.

- I didn't even know she smoked!

The second drunk said...:

- I can beat that! I went into my daughters room, looked in the closet and found a case of beer. I didn't even know she drank!

The first two looked at the third as he begin to speak..

- I can beat that! I went into my daughter's room and looked under her pillow. I found a pack of condoms!!!

He paused...

- I didn't even know she had a penis!!!

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window...

- Young lady - he began - I would like three pickets to titsburg. Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached...

- Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh - he began - and I would like the change in nipples and dimes. He turns red and runs away.

Then came the third...

- Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say - he continued - if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates - St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you!

Two potatoes are standing on the street corner.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
→ It's the one with the little sticker that says IDAHO.

How do you get holy water?
→ Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
→ "Dam!"

What do prisoners use to call each other?
→ Cell phones

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
→ A stick

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
→ Nacho cheese

What do you get from a pampered cow?
→ Spoiled milk

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
→ Frostbite

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
→ A pool table.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
→ They're trying to get away from the noise.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
→ The taste.

What is a polygon?
→ A dead parrot.

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
→ Take away its credit cards.

What's the difference between boogers and spinach?
→ You can't get kids to eat spinach.

What did the horse say when he fell?
→ I've fallen and I can't giddy up!

What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?
→ A private tutor.

What do you call a sleeping cow?
→ A bulldozer.

What do you call a blind deer?
→ No eye deer?

What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
→ Still no eye deer?

What goes tick tick woof woof?
→ A watch dog.

Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?
→ You can see right through him.

What goes vroom screech vroom screech vroom screech?
→ A blonde going through a blinking red light.

Why do farts smell?
→ So deaf people can enjoy them too.