Worst jokes

A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes.

- I'd love an ice-cold beer right now - he told the genie.

Poof! A beer appeared.

Next the man said:

- I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women.

Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him.

Oh, man this is the life, the guy thought.

- I wish I never had to work again.

And poof!...

He was back at his desk in the government office!

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

- People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears - one says - but we have no one to go to with our own problems.

- Since we're all professionals - another suggests - why don't we hear each other out right now?

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses:

- I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can.

The second admits:

- I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.

The third psychiatrist says:

- I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret.

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.

As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted:

- Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

- Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also took a dump in your pants.

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

- When I tee off - the singer explains - I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim.

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks:

- How about if we play for $100,000?

Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.

But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents and says:

- OK, it's your money... when do you want to play?

Stevie replies:

- I'll play on any NIGHT you choose!

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God:

- Lord, I have a problem!

- What's the problem, Eve?

- Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy.

- Why is that, Eve? - came the reply from above.

- Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples.

- Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.

- What's a man, Lord?

- Man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.

But... he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.

He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly.

- Sounds great! - says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

- What's the catch, Lord?

- Well... you can have him on one condition.

- What's that, Lord?

- As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...

So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.

Just remember, it's our little secret...

You know, woman to woman.

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.

- And just how would I go about doing that? - he asked.

- It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate.

So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold, the plates were full of 20 dollar bills! Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.

Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.

- Crap! - exclaimed the pastor.

It took them a week to clean up the church.

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

- I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:

- I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say:

- I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, - Matt Millen of the Raiders said, - To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too.

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:

- Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. (1996)

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:

- I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:

- You guys line up alphabetically by height. and - You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements:

- I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school.

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King:

- Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:

- That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Pantheon during his visit to Greece:

- I can't really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to.

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships:

- I've won at every level, except college and pro.

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota:

- He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record in 1992:

- We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play.

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:

- My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.

Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations:

- He wants Texas back. (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning:

- One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football? (1966)

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis:

- I'm going to send the injured co-captain out for the toss next time too. (1981)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books:

- But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet. (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs:

- I'm not allowed to comment on lousy no good officiating. (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons:

- It's basically the same, just darker. (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote:

- I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot. (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:

- I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:

- He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:

- Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, responded:

- Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye.

What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
→ In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out and vote.

How will history remember Bill Clinton?
→ The President after Bush.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
→ One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab.

What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
→ "Don't hit your head on the desk."

Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President's day?
→ All pants half off.

What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common?
→ They both blew the big one several times.

What was the first thing Monica saw in government?
→ The Executive Branch.

What do Monica Lewinsky and soda pop machines have in common?
→ They both have slots which say "Insert Bill" here.

A blonde meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.

- Everything ok with your car now?

- Yes, thank goodness - the blonde replies.

- Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?

- Yeah, but he didn't. I was SO RELIEVED when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.

As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

- Wow, this is great - he thought.

It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

- Hey - he called - I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?

- Yes. Come and join us - they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

- What else do you wild rabbits do? - he asked.

- Well, - one of them said - You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again:

- What else do you do?

- You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

- Is there anything else you guys do? - he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.

- There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there - he said, pointing to the far corner of the field.

- They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it.

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys.

- That was fantastic - he panted.

- So are you going to live with us then? - one of them asked.

- I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised.

- Why? We thought you liked it here.

- I do - our friend replied. - But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette!