Worst jokes

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.

So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

- My goodness! - the woman exclaimed - sounds like leasing a new sports car!

- Humm - the doctor murmured - too obvious, huh?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How do you get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it considered a ham-hock?

If a turtle lost his shell, is he homeless or naked?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If corn oil is made from corn, where do we get baby oil from?

If I save time, when do I get it back?

If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?

If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?

The Perfect Day According To...

HER
8:45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 - Light breakfast
11:00 - Sunbathe
12:30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 - Shopping
2:30 - Run into husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs.
3:00 - Facial, massage, nap
7:30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 - Make love
11:30 - Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIM
10:00 - Wake up
10:02 - SEX
10:10 - Big Breakfast
11:30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 - Enormous lunch with BEER
3:15 - SEX
3:25 - Play sports with the guys
4:30 - Drink BEER with the guys
6:30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 - SEX
6:50 - Huge dinner, more BEER
8:00 - Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Shiffer
11:00 - Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER
11:10 - Sleep
2:30 - Fart

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?

Why do your feet smell and your nose runs?

Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic...shouldn't they already know you're coming?

Why does it take 15 minutes to cook minute rice?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why don't they just use fattest man in the world for a hockey goalie?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why was Evelyn Wood in such a hurry?

Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder?
→ He got a little behind in his work.

Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist?
→ They fight tooth and nail!

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
→ He sold his soul to Santa.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
→ He's all right now.

Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug?
→ She had her baby in the spring.

Have you seen Quasimodo?
→ I have a hunch he's back!

How do crazy people go through the forest?
→ They take the psycho path.

How do snakes end a fight?
→ They hiss and make up.

How do you clean ice off tall buildings?
→ With sky scrapers.

How do you get a frog off the back window of your car?
→ Use the rear defrogger.

How do you revive a drowning rodent?
→ Give it mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
→ From a catalog.

How you get down from an elephant?
→ You don't, you get down from ducks.

What city has the largest rodent population?
→ Hamsterdam.

What did God say when Joan of Arc showed up at the Pearly Gates?
→ "Well done."

What did one cloned sheep say to the other?
→ "I am ewe."

What did one magnet say to the other magnet?
→ "I find you very attractive."

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
→ Nothing, they just waved.

What did one potato chip say to the other?
→ Shall we go for a dip?

What did the painter say to the wall?
→ "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"

What do cats like on a hot day?
→ A mice cream cone.

What do cats like on their hot dogs?
→ Mouse-tard.

What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
→ Mice Krispies.

What do frogs eat with their hamburgers?
→ French flies.

What do polo players get from spending all afternoon in the saddle?
→ Poloroids.

What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
→ A lawn moo-er.

What do you call a dog that is left-handed?
→ A south paw.

What do you call a frightened scuba diver?
→ Chicken of the sea.

What do you call a monster with no neck?
→ The Lost Neck Monster.

What do you call a transvestite cow?
→ A Dairy Queen.

What do you call Eskimo cows?
→ Eskimoos.

What do you get when you cross a duck with a computer?
→ A quackintosh.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
→ Bacon and legs.

What do you get when you have a cow and a duck?
→ Milk and quackers.

What does an envelope say when you lick it?
→ Nothing, it just shuts up.

What does Michael Jackson call his "Tickle-me Elmo" doll?
→ Bait.

What goes "99 thump 99 thump 99 thump...?"
→ A centipede with a wooden leg.

What goes "Tick tock, woof woof"?
→ A watch dog.

What is a reptile's favorite movie?
→ The Lizard of Oz.

What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?
→ Decomposing.

What kind of reptile tells time?
→ A clock-odile.

What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk?
→ Chocolate chimp cookies.

What magazine do cats like to read?
→ Good Mousekeeping.

What's happening when you hear "woof...splat...meow...splat?"
→ It's raining cats and dogs.

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
→ Kids won't eat broccoli.

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
→ I don't know and I don't care.

What's the difference between the capital of Russia and a calf's mother?
→ One is Moscow, the other is cow's ma.

Where did the vegetables go to get drunk?
→ The Salad Bar.

Where do you get virgin wool from?
→ Ugly sheep.

Where does a one-armed man shop?
→ At a second hand store.

Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
→ Ta da dump, ta da dump, ta da dump Dump DUMP!!!

Which of these things don't belong: A tuna, a lobster, or a Chinese guy run over by a truck?
→ The tuna. The other two are crustaceans.

Who delivers puppies when the Vet isn't available?
→ The mid woof.

Why can't a woman ask her brother for help?
→ Because he can't be a brother and assist her too.

Why did the big moron fall off the roof and the little moron didn't?
→ Because he was a little more on.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ To prove to the opossum it could be done.

Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
→ Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
→ She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
→ She gets the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
→ She threw it off a cliff.

How do blonde brain cells die?
→ Alone.

How do you get a blonde to marry you?
→ Tell her she's pregnant.

What will she ask you?
→ "Is it mine?"

What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
→ Third grade.

What did the blonde get on her IQ test?
→ Saliva.

What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
→ A dope ring.