Worst jokes

Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to become romantic again.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't fully appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Independent: What we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

(Age 22)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

(Age 32)

1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more then he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers anniversaries
10. Likes to be romantic at least once a week

(Age 42)

1. Not too ugly- Bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady- splurges on dinner at McDonald's on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punch line of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves on most weekends

(Age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

(Age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up alone
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...

(Age 72)

1. Breathing.....

Ok guys, own up...which one are you?

• Excitable Type Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.
• Sociable Type Joins pals for a pee whether he wants one or not.
• Timid Type Cannot pee if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.
• Nosy Type Peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's thingy.
• Indifferent Type All urinals being occupied, uses sink.
• Clever Type Pees without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time, pees on foot.
• Vain Type Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.
• Absent-Minded Type Opens jacket, takes out tie, pees in pants.
• Worried Type Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while peeing.
• Disgruntled Type Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to pee, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.
• Conceited Type Holds 2-inch tool like a baseball bat while peeing.
• Sneaky Type Drops silent farts while peeing and looks at the guy next to him.
• Sloppy Type Pees on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later.
• Learned Type Reads a book or newspaper while peeing.
• Childish Type Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while peeing.
• Efficient Type Waits until has to poop and does both at the same time.
• Strong Type Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops.
• Drunken Type Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pees in trousers.
• Embarrassed Type Covers tool with both hands and pees through fingers.
• Cock-Eyed Type Stands in one cubical and pees in next one.

Men are just like a Dog...here's proof!

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both are threatened by their own kind.
4. Both like to chew wood.
5. Both mark their territory.
6. Both are bad at asking you questions.
7. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
8. Both tend to smell riper with age.
9. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
10. Neither does any dishes.
11. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
12. Both like dominance games.
13. Both are suspicious of the postman.
14. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
15. Neither understands what you see in cats.

DANGER: new viruses discovered!

• Congressional Virus v2.0: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
• Tipper Gore Virus: When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.
• Government Ecomomist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
• New World Order Virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
• Warren Commission Virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
• David Duke Virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
• Pat Buchanan Virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
• Texas Virus: Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.
• Adam And Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
• Warren Beatty Virus: Constantly tries to prove it's virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.
• Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
• Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
• PBS Virus: Your PC stops what it's doing every few minutes to ask for money.
• Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Nobody can find it.
• Kevorkian Virus: Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
• Healthcare Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends a you a bill for $4,500.
• LAPD Virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defence".
• Billy Graham Virus: When you save a file, it prints, "I am saved!" to the screen.
• Michael Jackson Virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This Virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

And finally...

• JokeGalore.com Virus: poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names! Is quickly passed from one user to all other users known via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said:

- You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one:

- How did you do over the weekend?

- Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.

- 17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?

- I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this......

O...o...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.

That's admirable - said the judge.

And you, how did you do? - he asked the second boy.

- Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.

- 156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?

- Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)...o...

O I said (pointing to the small circle):

- this is your asshole before prison, ...

If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these:

- You could do worse.

- I'll work so hard you won't even know I'm there.

- I'll need all my paid vacation time up front so I'll be rested when I start.

- You can't turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason.

- If you call the people I listed as references, please call my parole officer last.

- That big thing growing on my face isn't my fault.

- I don't do drugs at work any more. And I probably won't

- I can go all day without peeing once.

- If you hired my dumbass brother then you can surely hire me.

- If you hire me I promise not to say anything about the your wicked bad breath.

- I won't sue you when you fire me.

- My arrest record is all a bunch of lies.

- Iff you kin reed my handriting, ain't that gud enuff fer me to get the job?

- I was a sniper in the Army.

- The only reason my grades in High School was so bad was because all the teachers thought I was stupid because I didn't pass the tests. They wasn't being fair to me because they don't like me.

- I can make explosives from Windex, white-out, and copy machine toner.

- If you hire me you can blow your nose on my sleeve any time you want to.

- I'll need a company car and a driver because I can't legally drive anywhere in the Western Hemisphere except Cuba and it sucks to go there.

- If you hire me don't tell the Welfare until I get my Jeep paid off.

- The sticky stuff on my sleeve isn't what you think.

- You don't have the BALLS to hire someone like me!

- If you hire me I will show up. That's all I can promise for sure, but maybe it will be better than that and I will sure try.

- When do we eat?

- How long do I have to work here before I can collect unemployment again?

- Don't go checking into my record, but if you do, she swore she was 18.

- I don't hear the voices anymore. Do not. Do not. Do not. SHUT UP!!!

- If you give me a job you're OK but if you don't you suck.

- I don't DO applications.

- If I work here I'll wear the stupid uniform as long as I can wear any kind of underwear I want.

- This will be my first job since the Beatles broke up because they really pissed me off!

- I won't have to do anything, will I

- If I get sick on the job, will I have to clean up my own puke?

- Can I bring my goat to the company daycare center?

- I collect guns. You probably want to tell me that I got the job now, right?

- I'm not what? Oh yeah? Well here's what you can do with your friggin' job...

What do you call children who are raised in those naughty houses of ill-repute?
→ Brothel Sprouts!

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :o) and :o( respectively. Well, how about some "assicons"?

Here's a few:

- (_!_) a regular ass

- (__!__) a fat ass

- (!) a tight ass

- (_^^_) a bubble ass

- (_*_) a sore ass

• {_!_} a swishy ass

- (o) an ass that's been around

- (x) kiss my ass

- (X) leave my ass alone

- (zzz) a tired ass

- (o^^o) a wise ass

- (E=mc2) a smart ass

- (_$_) Money coming out of his ass

- (_?_) Dumb Ass

Why did God give Mexicans a nose?
→ So they'd have something to pick in the off season!