Worst jokes

Actual bloopers found on church bulletin boards:

- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

- Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

- Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Taylors. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

- The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

- The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.

- The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

- Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

- The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

- Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine.

Name: Bertha Belch.
Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."

- Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals."

- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.

- The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge, Now Up Yours!"

- The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

- Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the rear entrance.

- Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall.

Come out and watch us kill Christ the King!

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.

The boy opened a box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

- What are you doing? - his mother asked.

- The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken - the Boy explained, so I'm looking for the seal!

Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
→ They're afraid of flying off the handle!

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
→ Dayscare centers.

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
→ His ghoul friend.

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
→ I Scream.

What do witches put on their hair?
→ Scare spray.

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
→ Bamboo.

What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
→ Boo boos.

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
→ Because of his coffin.

Why do mummies make excellent spies?
→ They're good at keeping things under wraps.

Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
→ Because everyone was a goblin!

How did the ghost patch his sheet?
→ With a pumpkin patch.

What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
→ His other fang.

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says:

- Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.

- Because, - the man says - I live in a two-story house.

The Judge replies:

- What kind of a reason is that! What's the big deal about a two-story house?

The man answers:

- Well Judge, one story is...I have a headache and the other story is It's that time of the month!

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

- You're running around with other women - she charged.

- You're being unreasonable - Adam responded.

- You're the only woman on earth!

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

- What do you think you're doing? - Adam demanded.

- Counting your ribs - said Eve!

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the high school intercom:

- Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:

- Will the twelve hundred students who went to move "26 cars", return to class.

How did the blonde die drinking milk?
→ The cow stepped on her.

What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
→ Frosted Flakes!

What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear?
→ Data transfer.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
→ "I wonder if it's mine?"

How do you confuse a blonde?
→ Give her a package of M&M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order.

Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
→ Because she read that one child out of every four born, was Chinese.

Why did the blonde lose her job as an elevator operator?
→ She couldn't learn the route.

Why did the blonde drive around the block fifty-seven times?
→ Her turn signal was stuck.

Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
→ She needed them for the darkroom she was building.

Why are the Japanese so smart?
→ No blondes.

Fingernail Clippers: That's why we have teeth.

Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty?

Colored Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.

Inflatable Furniture: Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.

Crayons That Smell: Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.

Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.

The Epilady: Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.

Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly.

Rubber Clothing: Because you shouldn't bounce if you fall down the stairs.

Doggie Sweaters: Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.

Thong underwear: Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.

• You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you suddenly realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox and gave her your mail.
• As a woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn!" Your boss is standing behind you. And it's his wife.
• While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out and you're the only coffee drinker there.
• You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled this week as vacation, not last week.
• You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"
• You wake up hung over.
• You have a black eye and barked knuckles.
• Your underwear is missing.
• You're in jail.
• Last night was the company Christmas party.

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.

- I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure! - the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied:

- Bring him in. We'll check it out.

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Simple...there was a piece of paper in his hand that said - 'put me down for 10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."