An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says:
- Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation:
- I now pronounce you man and wife.
Caught napping at work, school, or church...try this one.
Guaranteed to work!
Just pick your head up real fast and say:
- ...in JESUS' name...
- AMEN!
(he-he...how can they yell at you for this :)
ADDENDUM: For some reason, it won't work in a Synagogue?
What do you call an eternity?
→ Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
→ Toes Go In First
Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours, they saw a sign that said "Disneyland left." So they turned around and went home.
What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?
→ You always hear about them but never see them.
What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
→ Oh, look, Daddy....doughnut seeds!
Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
→ Because it said concentrate.
Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
→ They think their picture is being taken.
How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax?
→ It has a stamp on it.
Why can't blondes dial 911?
→ They can't find the 11 on the phone.
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
→ Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
How can you tell if a blonde's been using your computer?
→ There is white-out all over the monitor.
Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?
→ It takes too long to retrain them.
A blonde and a brunnette were walking outside when the brunnette said:
- Oh, look at the dead bird.
The blonde looked skyward and said:
- Where? Where?
How do you drown a blonde?
→ Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.
Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
→ You have to hollow out the head.
How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
→ Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Hear about the blonde who got an AM radio?
→ Took her a month to figure out she could play it at night.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey team?
→ They drowned during spring training.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
→ Duh! Look! They spelled Macy's wrong!
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
→ Tell her a joke on Tuesday.
Why are blonde's boobs always square?
→ Because they forget to take the kleenex out of the box.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
→ To get to the other slide!
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transfered to the Mothership.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are Manic Depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, please try you call again later.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
Why did the golfer wear 2 pairs of pants?
→ Just in case he got a hole-in-one!
How do prisoners in jail talk to each other?
→ With their cell phones!
Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve
And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...
- I can do better than THAT!
A man called to testify at the Revenue Canada, (Canada's IRS) asked his accountant for advice on what to wear:
- Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper - the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice:
- Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.
Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
- Let me tell you a story - replied the Priest.
A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night:
- Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice:
- Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.
The man protested:
- What does all this have to do with my problem with the Revenue Canada?!
- Simple - replied the Priest...
- It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!
- On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place" (why...a duh!)
- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. (ah-ha! So that's what happened to my little sister!)
- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. (oh sure...now they tell me!)
- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. (aye matey...but the sharks love 'em!)
- On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
- On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
- On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (well that's just great...now what do I use!)
- On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2- shipping and a $3-handling charge, for a total of $4.97. (now you know WHY there was a Y2K bug!)
- On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.
- On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (he-he... I gotta try this one!)
- On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.
- On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.
- On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (hmmm... I think I'll test this one out on my nephews :)
