Worst jokes

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become -Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become -Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become -MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become -Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become -Zip Audi Do Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become -Honey I'm Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become -Mine All Mine.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become -FED UP.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become - Fairwell Honeychild.

3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become -3 Penney Opera.

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become - Knott NOW!

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a muttering word of protest, the old man gets up from his seat and quietly leaves the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress:

- Humph, not much of a man, was he!

And the waitress replied:

- Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles!

A man will pay $2 for an item that costs $1 if he wants it. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.

A woman worries about he future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man can forget his past mistakes: there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.

A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the "same" bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries:

- MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?!

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God...

- Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go.

Bill replied:

- Well, what's the difference between the two?

God said:

- I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, it if will help your decision.

- Fine, but where should I go first?

- I'll leave that up to you.

- Okay then - said Bill:

- Let's try Hell first.

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of BEAUTIFUL women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

- This is great! - he told God.

- If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!

- Fine - said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

- Hmmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell - he told God.

- Fine - retorted God:

- as you desire.

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

- How's everything going? - he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment:

- This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water????!

- Oh, that?...

- That was a DEMO - replied God.

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

- Now, class. Observe closely the worms - said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

- Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment? - the professor asked.

Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded...

- Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!

A protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbequeing some juicy steak on Friday night, they began to squirm.

They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they conviced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said:

You were born Protestant.
You were raised Protestant.
But now you are Catholic!

And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying:

You were born a cow.
You were raised a cow.
But now you are fish!

On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said:

- Today I am going to create a land called Canada.

- It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty - it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.

God continued:

- I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.

- But Lord, - asked Gabriel - don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?

- No, not really. - God replied...

- Just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them!

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

- What is your name? - Was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

- John - the new guy replied.

The manager scowled:

- Look, I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

- I refer to my employees by their last name only -- Smith, Jones, Baker -- that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.

- Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?

The new guy sighed and said:

- Darling. My name is John Darling.

- Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is...

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks:

- And get me a whisky, you cow!

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls:

- And get me another whisky you witch!

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach:

- I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I'll kick your ass!

Suddenly, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says...

- For someone who can't fly, you sure are a ballsy bastard!