Worst jokes

A Missionary went to what he thought was an totally uninhabited island. He discovered that there were indeed people there, but the inhabitants of the island knew nothing of civilized culture.

The missionary decided that it would be in the natives best interest if he could teach them about civilization. He created small schools in huts and taught the natives how to read and write and do mathmetics.

He would take the natives one by one around the island, and teach them the correct words for objects that they would see. One day, the Missionary is walking around the island with one of the natives.

They walk past a tree. The Missionary points and says to the native:

- Tree.

The native repeats:

- Tree.

They continue further and come to a bush. The Missionary points to it and says:

- Bush.

The native repeats the word:

- Bush.

They walk around the bush - and lying on the ground behind it, is a native couple whoopi. The Missionary hopes that the native won't ask about it, but he does.

The native asks:

- What is that? What are they doing?

And the Missionary, looking for a quick answer replies:

- Riding a bicycle. Those two people are riding a bicycle!

Instantly, the native pulls out his poison dart gun and kills the couple in the midst of their sexual act.

The Missionary is incredulous. Angered, he asks:

- Here I am trying to teach you to be civilized and you kill two people! WHY did you kill those two people?! I told you that they were riding a bicycle!

The native answers:

- Him riding MY bicycle!

1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
7. Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
10. Your bologna has no first name.
11. You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice.
12. Sally Struthers sends you food.
13. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
14. At communion you go back for seconds.

After careful consideration and endless debate The Perfect Man has finally been named!

He's tan!
He's cute!
He knows the importance of accessorizing!
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face!

INTRODUCING...

MR. POTATO HEAD!

( Good with sour cream and butter too! :)

- I got this great new hearing aid the other day.

- Are you wearing it now?

- Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.

- Wow! What kind is it?

- Twelve-thirty.

10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
11. Instead of an air bag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
12. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.
13. The 15 minute JiffyLube needs to keep your car for 3 days.
14. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
15. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal "The Club."
16. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
17. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.
18. You keep losing dates on left turns.
19. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.

This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop.

He has a hard time walking. He is hunched over.

He goes up to the counter and says:

- Banana Split, please.

The lady at the counter replies:

- Crushed nuts?

The old man says:

- No, Arthritis!

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said:

- I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it.

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying:

- I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?

Bill thought for a while and said:

- I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.

Hillary was shocked, but said:

- I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together.

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, Hillary asked Bill:

- So why do you have all that money in the box?

Bill answered:

- Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans...

- I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash!

There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous.

He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing...

"I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."

The teacher of the school geography class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked:

- Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?

After a confused silence, little Johnny volunteered:

- I guess you'd be eating alone!

Due to the recent merger of AOL and Time Warner, AOL members can soon expect the following changes:

Time Magazine's next "Man Of The Year" issue will feature Steve Case on the cover as the undisputed winner. This of course will strictly be a coincidence.

The standard irritating AOL popups will be replaced by Warner Bros. cartoons. Now, Elmer Fudd will say:

- You cwazy wabbit, you've been onwine for 5 minutes and that's way-y-y too long... we're going to boot you off!

The next time that you hear Bugs Bunny say, "Eh, what's up Doc?" he will be referring to your monthly AOL subscription charge.