Worst jokes

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says:

- Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?

- Reading my book - she replies as she thinks to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?"

- You're in a restricted fishing area - he informs her.

- But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?

- But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up.

- If you do that, I will charge you with rape - snaps the irate woman.

- I didn't even touch you - grouses the sheriff.

- Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ...

Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming A Real Man. That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn an MA Degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

First Year

Autumn Schedule

- MEN 101--Combating Stupidity

- MEN 102--You, Too, Can Do Housework

- MEN 103--PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

- MEN 104--We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule

- MEN 110--Wonderful Laundry Techniques

- MEN 111--Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 am

- MEN 112--Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception

- EAT 100--Get a Life, Learn to Cook

- EAT 101--Get a Life, Learn to Cook II

- ECON 001A--What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule

- MEN 120--How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When You're Wrong

- MEN 121--Understanding Your Incompetence

- MEN 122--YOU, the Weaker Sex

- MEN 123--Reasons to Give Flowers

- ECON 001C--What Was Yours is Hers

Second Year

Autumn Schedule

- SEX 101--You CAN Fall Asleep without It

- SEX 102--Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower

- SEX 103--How to Stay Awake After Sex

- MEN 201--How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

- Elective--See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule

- MEN 210--The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

- MEN 211--How to Not Act Younger than Your Children

- MEN 212--You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver

- MEN 213--Believe Me, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise

- MEN 230A--Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

Spring Schedule

- MEN 220--Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)

- MEN 221--Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

- MEN 222--Real Men Ask for Directions

- MEN 223--Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

Course Electives

- EAT 101--Cooking with Tofu

- EAT 102--Utilization of Eating Utensils

- EAT 103--Burping and Belching Discreetly

- MEN 231--Mothers-in-law

- MEN 232--Appear to Be Listening

- MEN 233--Just Say "Yes, Dear"

- ECON 001C--Cheaper to Keep Her

What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
→ 45 lbs.

What is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
→ 45 minutes.

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
→ Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
→ $ 3.99 a minute.

10. Reach in and grab the giblets!
11. Whew.....that's one terrific spread!
12. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
13. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.
14. Talk about a huge breast!
15. "And he forces his way into the end zone"
16. She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 minutes to hold her down.
17. It's cool whip time!!
18. If I don't unbuckle my pants, I'm going to burst.
19. It must be broken 'cause when I push on the top, nothing squirts out.

A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said:

- Kramer, your grandmother died.

The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant:

- You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you.

The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passsed away.

The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said:

- Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!

You Just Might Be A Redneck If...

- You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

- Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

- You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

- Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

- You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

- You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

- Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

- Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

- You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."

- The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

- One of your kids was born on a pool table.

- You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

- Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

- You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

- You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

- Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

- Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air. No one knows your secret place. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world". The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under the water. There now.....feeling better???

As Jack the Ripper's mother said to her son:

- How come you never go out with the same girl twice?

As Caesar said:

- Let me mix that salad!

As Moses said to God:

- Let me see if I have it right - the Arabs get the oil and we get to cut off the tips of our WHAT?

As George Washington said when he was crossing the Delaware:

- I can't understand it. I paid for a seat!

As Jesse James said to his brother Frank:

- We can't rob that bank. That's where we keep our money!

As Vincent Van Gogh said after he cut off his ear:

- Don't shout!

A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.

- Mommy, what happened to him? - the little boy asked.

- He died and went to heaven - she replied.

The child thought for a moment and said:

- And God threw him back down?

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy".

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. - Oh, it's alright. - said the storekeeper.

- I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen.

- But, - added the florist.

- I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party. - Well, what did it say? - ask the storekeeper. - 'Congratulations on your new location'. - was the reply.