Worst jokes

Monday

- 8:00 Husseinfeld

- 8:30 Mad About Everything

- 9:00 Suddenly Sanctions

- 9:30 Allah McBeal

Tuesday

- 8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror

- 8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right

- 9:30 No-witness News

Wednesday

- 8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer

- 8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy

- 9:00 Judge Saddam

- 9:30 (edited)

Thursday

- 8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi

- 8:30 Achmed's Creek

- 9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses

- 9:30 My Two Baghdads

Friday

- 8:00 Just Shoot Me

- 8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things

- 9:00 M*U*S*T* A*S*H

- 9:30 Veilwatch

How to keep a healthy level of insanity and drive other people insane:

- Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)

- Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

- Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'

- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

- Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

- Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

- Dont use any punctuation in your emails

- Ask people what sex they are. When they answer, say "are you sure"?

- Stand in front of your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
→ They're hiring.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
→ "Dam."

How do crazy people go through the forest?
→ They take the psycho path.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the toilet too long?
→ Polaroids.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
→ National Dyslexia Association.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
→ Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
→ Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
→ Quattro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
→ Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
→ Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
→ A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
→ Anyone can roast beef.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
→ They all have phones.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
→ Sanka.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
→ Because they have big fingers.

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
→ A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
→ A stick.

The Man's Guide To Female English

- We need = I want

- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

- We need to talk = I need to complain

- Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to

- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

- You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've started my period

- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

- I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

- Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

- Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

- Yes = No

- No = No

- Maybe = No

- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

- Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

- I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

- All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

The Answer To "What's Wrong?"

- The same old thing = Nothing

- Nothing = Everything

- Everything = PMS again

- Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain

- I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

The Women's Guide To Men's English

- "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

- "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

- "I'm tired" = I'm tired

- "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this

- "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

- "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before

- "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

- "Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person.

- "I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him:

- Charlie, what are you doing?

Charlie replied:

- Driving to Chicago!

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks:

- Well Charlie, how are you doing?

Charlie says:

- I just got into Chicago.

- Great - replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks:

- Bob, what are you doing?!

Bob says:

- I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!

What do Chinese people name their retarded children?
→ Som Ting Wong

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

- They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator! - he cried out.

The police were dumbfounded and dispatched an officer to the scene.

However, before the police arrived, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

- Never mind - he said with a hiccup.

- I got in the back seat by mistake!

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

- Why don't you put your money where your mouth is - he said.

- I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back.

- You're on, old man - the braggart replied.

- Let's see what you got.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said:

- All right. Get in.

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying:

- This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?

He answered:

- You've got to keep that old motor running.

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said:

- You really are amazing. How do you do it?

He again said:

- You've got to keep the old motor running.

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said:

- You must be quite a man.

He responded:

- You've got to keep that old motor running.

The nurse then said:

- Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black!

The opening credits of The Simpsons(tm) shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on the chalkboard. Here are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits.

- I will not carve gods.

- I will not spank others.

- I will not aim for the head.

- I will not barf unless I'm sick.

- I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.

- I will not conduct my own fire drills.

- Funny noises are not funny.

- I will not snap bras.

- I will not fake seizures.

- This punishment is not boring and pointless.

- My name is not Dr. Death.

- I will not prescribe medication.

- I will not bury the new kid.

- I will not teach others to fly.

- I will not bring sheep to class.

- A burp is not an answer.

- Teacher is not a leper.

- I will not eat things for money.

- I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.

- The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.

- I will not call the principal "spud head".

- Goldfish don't bounce.

- Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.

- No one is interested in my underpants.

- I will not sell miracle cures.

- I will return the seeing-eye dog.

- I do not have diplomatic immunity.

- I will not charge admission to the bathroom.

- The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.

- My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.

- I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.

- Organ transplants are best left to professionals.

- Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.

- I will not skateboard in the halls.

- Underwear should be worn on the inside.

- The Christmas Pageant does not stink.

- I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.