A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, "My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework."
NEW LANGUAGES BEING TAUGHT IN AMERICA
- Afro-American Speak -- Ebonics (or We-Beonics)
- Irish-American Speak -- Leprechaunics
- Native-American Speak -- Kimosabics
- Italo-American Speak -- Spumonics (or Rigatonics)
- Chinese-American Speak -- Won-tonics
- Japanese-American Speak -- Mama-san-ics
- Polish-American Speak -- Kielbasanics
- Jewish-American Speak -- Zionics
- Russian-American Speak -- Rasputonics
- Spanish-American Speak -- Flan-ics
- Scottish-American Speak -- Tartan-ics
- Eskimo-American Speak -- Harpoonics
- German-American Speak -- Autobaunics (or Teutonics)
- Candain-American Speak -- EH?onics
- Florida Democratic Voters Speak -- Moronics
An anxious woman goes to her doctor.
"Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from!"
You Might Be Addicted to AOL if...
- Tech Support calls "You" for help
- Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL
- You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other
- You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out"
- You have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's
- You've ever typed "drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone"
- You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it
- You no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences
- You begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing
- When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"
- You sneak away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep
- You know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do your own family's
- You lie to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook
- You have an identity crisis if someone else is using an s/n close to your own
- You would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night on-line)
- You're broke, your modem burns out and you go out onto the streets to sell your body to get a new one
- You marry your cyberboyfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room
- You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time
- You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved
- You sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists
- You look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy
- You have withdrawls if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours
- You use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one...hehehe)
- Your buddy list has over 100 people on it
- You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on-line before you have your first cup of coffee
- You wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to sign on
- You don't know where the time has gone
- You end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil
- Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had
- You get up at 2am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead
- You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo
- When you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs or Kisses
- You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme
- Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL"
- You type faster than you think
- Being called a newbie is a MAJOR insult
- You are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say "BRB" or "BBL"
- You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room
- You've gone into an unstaffed tech support room and given tech support to other AOLers
- You have to be pryed from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life
- You meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name
- Your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
- Broiled Missionary: $25.00
- Fried Explorer: $35.00
- Baked Politician: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked:
- Why such a price difference for the politician?
The cook replied:
- Have you ever tried to clean one of them?
World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied.
Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?
Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR!
Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.
They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question:
- IS THERE A GOD?
Suddenly there was a loud crash, and in a brilliant explosion of silicon and plastic the computers fused into what appeared to the scientists to be one large computer in place of the many smaller ones. One of the scientists raced to the printer as it finally output its answer.
- There is now - read the printout.
Dog Rules...
A man walks into a shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says:
- Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here.
"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog. Look."
And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.
"Rover," says the man, "daven!"
- Woof! - says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.
- Woof! - says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
- Woof! - says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, you could make a million dollars off of him!!"
"You speak to him," says the man, "He wants to be a doctor."
Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"...
Bad girls say, "what's for breakfast?"
Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.
Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any.
Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls make chicken for dinner...
Bad girls make reservations
Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
Bad girls know they could do better
Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.
Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls...
Good girls love Italian food...
Bad girls love Italian waiters.
