Worst jokes

One day Rastus and Liza Jane were sitting at the bus stop when Rastus ups and asks:

- Liza Jane can I's look up your dress before the bus gets here?

Liza Jane was startled and said:

- No Rastus you cain't!

Well Rastus persisted and persisted till finally Liza Jane said:

- Alright if'n it will shut you up you can.

So Rastus looks up her dress and sees that see has no panties on to which he exclaims:

- Sho is a wonder!

Well the bus shows up and they gets on.

Next day, Rastus and Liza Jane are sitting there again when Rastus ups and asks her:

- Liza Jane, can I look up your dress again?

Well Liza Jane at first refused, but as the day before she then gave in. So Rastus looks up there and seeing no panties he exclaims, again:

- Sho is a wonder!

Well this goes on for a few days when on the last day that Liza Jane would permit Rastus to look up her dress she tells him:

- Rastus you can look up my dress but you have to tell me one thing?

Rastus replies:

- What's that?

- Every time you look up my dress you says, 'Sho is a wonder.' Sho is a wonder what?

To which Rastus replies:

- Sho is a wonder your guts don't fall out!!

Three doctors died and went to the Pearly Gates to be interviewed to see where they would end up. St. Peter asked the first one what he did on earth, and he said he was an obstetrician. St. Peter asked what an obstetrician did and the doc told him:

- Sounds pretty good; okay you can go in to Heaven.

The second doc said he was a pediatrician and had to explain what that involved. St. Peter said:

- Sounds very useful, very good--you can go in too.

The third doc said he was the chief man in charge of a whole HMO conglomerate.

- Well, what's that? - asked St. Peter.

So the doc told him exactly what that involved:

- Sounds very important, very useful. You can go in too.

So the third doc goes in the Gates and starts to walk up the stairs. St. Peter turns and calls after him:

- Oh, by the way, you can only stay three days.

He was a junior bank executive and he had swindled one hundred thousand dollars from his bank - all of which he'd lost at the races. The bank examiners were coming the next day, and when he confessed the whole thing to his wife, she packed her bags and left him. Totally despondent, he walked to a nearby bridge and stood at the edge of it about to jump off and end it all.

Suddenly a voice called:

- Young man, don't do that! There is no need to end your life! I'm a witch and I can help you!

- I doubt it - he said sadly.

- I've stolen a hundred thousand dollars from the bank, for which I'll probably be arrested tomorrow, and my wife has left me.

- Young man, witches can do anything - she said.

- I'm going to perform a witch miracle.

She said:

- ALAKAZAM! The hundred thousand dollars has been replaced and there's another hundred thousand in your safe deposit box! ALAKAZAM! Your wife is back home again!

He looked at her in disbelief:

- Is this all true? - he asked.

- Of course - she said.

- But to keep it true you must do one thing.

- Anything! - he said.

- Anything!

- You must take me to a motel and make passionate love to me.

He stared at her. She was an ugly old crone - as ugly as they could be, dressed in rags. Nevertheless, he agreed to her terms. He took her to a motel and made love to her all night. In the morning, as he was getting dressed and combing his hair in front of the mirror, she lay on the bed watching silently. Finally, she asked:

- Sonny, how old are you?

- I'm thirty-two - he said.

- Tell me something, then - she said.

- Aren't you a little too old to believe in witches?

1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
3. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my hand through it.
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
7. I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the other way.
8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
9. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
10. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision.
11. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
12. I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my universal joints gave way, causing me to have an accident.
13. Upon collision and in a flash of blue, I hit my head, twisted my neck, and tossed the lower part of my body out the side window.
14. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
15. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
16. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
17. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.
18. I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the street when I struck him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him.
20. I saw the slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
21. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
22. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its way, when it struck the front of my car.
23. The accident occurred with me waving to the man I hit last week.
24. I hit a bus stop sign that was obscured by human beings.
25. The pedestrian was all over the road, I had to swerve a few times before I hit him.
26. A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him as he gored my car.
27. A stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
28. I immediately applied my brakes as the vehicle struck the cement wall, thus bringing my car to a complete halt.
29. I left my car unattended for a minute when by accident it ran away.
30. I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress, then we met on impact.
31. I struck the young man with my husband's car. He wanted to call the police but after having a look at my particulars he decided we should go to his apartment and settle things in private.
32. I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed.
33. I thought my car was in reverse but I found otherwise when it lurched forward, doing injury to a parking meter. When the police arrived the meter had expired.
34. I was contemplating continuous travel of a relaxing nature when, without due justification or color of right, my vehicle was struck in the rear by a vehicle driven by a person of obvious sub-normal intelligence.
35. I was on my way through a green light, with 3 witnesses, on the way to the accident that was about to happen.
36. I was thrown from my car as I left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
37. I was unable to control my car when it went berserk and struck another vehicle.
38. I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
39. My car hit a pothole and came to rest approximately fifteen feet below the surface of the road.
40. My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital.
41. My mind became confused by a sign that read "Free Puppy for Sale". The next thing I remember, I was in the ditch.
42. No one was to blame for the accident but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.
43. The accident happened when a right front door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.
44. The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
45. The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.
46. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
47. The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front fender, removed his left rear tail light.
48. The other driver looked like the usual lane-hopping type with thick horn rimmed glasses, pimply faced, brown suit and thick soled shoes.
49. The other driver struck my car with an Expired Drivers License then left the scene of the accident.
50. There was a heavy fog and I was unable to find the traffic lights. A witness told the police that the other driver had the lights with him when he entered the intersection.
51. When I pressed the windshield spray button my car left the road and struck a fire hydrant. I was unable to see the road because of the spray. My windows are clean.
52. When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny:

- How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?

He replies:

- Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k.

His father says:

- That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?

Johnny answers:

- Well, so far, we've been lucky...

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said:

- I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.

The second said:

- I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.

The third said:

- I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.

The fourth one said:

- I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.

Fifth surgeon said:

- I like Engineers. . . they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end. . .

3 guys go into a bar. The booze begins to flow pretty heavily in the course of the evening and the guys get split up. Next morning they're all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other...

The first guy says:

- Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks!

The second goes:

- Shit that's nothing I was so tanked that I drove my damn car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do!

The third guy says:

- That's nothing I was so drunk that I went home and starting cussing my girlfriend out and in the process knocked over a candle and it caught the whole damn apartment on fire - the insurance won't cover it, plus my girlfriend left me.

The first guy leans back in and whispers:

- I don't think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog.

What is chemistry's greatest achievement?
→ Artificial blondes!

An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk-rocker gets on. The punkrocker's hair is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings.

When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says:

- What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?

The old guy says in reply:

- Yeah. One time I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid. . .

What's long, black, and smells funny?
→ The Welfare LINE!