Worst jokes

A Columbia Doctor's secretary called an old farmer out my way and said:

- Your check came back.

The old man replied:

- So did my arthritis!

- Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

- Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

- Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

- Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

- You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

- Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

- My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

- Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.

- God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

- It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

- If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

- Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." Caution - Leave air holes.

- I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

- There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

- The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

- The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

- The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

- Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks:

- What's up with these clocks?

St. Peter explains:

- Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains:

- Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks:

- What's the story with that clock?

- Oh, that - St. Peter replies.

- That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan!

- "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

- "All generalizations are false."

- "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

- "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

- "I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

- "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

- Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."

- "Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons."

- "Born Free. . . . . Taxed to Death"

- "Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

- "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

- "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"

- "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

- "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

- "Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."

- "REHAB is for quitters"

- "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"

- "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

- "All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"

- "E. coli Happens"

- "Ashes to ashes..dust to dust..get off my ass you crazy nut!"

- "Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"

- "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport."

- "SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver"

- "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."

- "Towers will be violated"

- "Work is for people who don't know how to fish"

- "Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !!"

- "End rape. Say 'Yes!'"

- "I KNOW JACK SHIT!"

- "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

- "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

- "Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."

- "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

- "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

- "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

- "If you don't like the news, go out and make some."

- "I Brake For No Apparent Reason."

- "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

- "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

- "Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.!"

- "Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."

- "Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."

- "Wink, I'll do the rest!"

- "I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"

- "No Radio - Already Stolen"

- "Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."

- "Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."

- "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

- "When there's a will, I want to be in it!"

- "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

- "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

- "Few women admit their age, Few men act it!"

- "I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!"

- "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

- "Assassins do it from behind!"

- "Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!"

- "Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"

- "Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."

- "IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got."

- "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"

- "Which came first? The woman or the department store?"

- "LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice."

- "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

- "LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools."

- "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."

- "Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them."

- "Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."

- "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."

- "Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"

- "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"

- "I'm not as think as you drunk I am"

- "First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering"

- Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"

- "Don't come knocking if the car is rocking"

- "Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter"

- "Forget about World Peace..... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !"

- "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

- "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

- "We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"

- "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

- "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

- "He who laughs last thinks slowest"

- "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

- "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

- "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."

- "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

- "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."

- "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

- "i souport publik edekasion"

- "The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."

- "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated."

- "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

- "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..."

- "3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

- "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

- "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

- "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'.. till you can find a rock."

- "2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."

- "I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."

- "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."

- "Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."

- "I is a college student."

- "Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."

- "Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

- "Eschew obfuscation."

- "God Is Coming, And She Is Pissed!"

- "I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"

- "CAUTION: This vehicle may wreck or explode for no apparent reason."

- "We're staying together for the sake of the cats."

- "It's been lovely, but I have to scream now."

- "My karma ran over your dogma."

- "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

- "I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily."

- "Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus."

- "Welcome to Texas, now go home."

- "It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you."

- "If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own."

- "Life's too short to dance with ugly men."

- "Life's too short to dance with ugly women."

- "My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her."

- "When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS)."

- "Beer isn't just for breakfast any more."

- "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

- "Will Rogers never met a lawyer."

- "Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton."

- "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

- "Don't steal. The government hates competition."

- "Is there life before coffee?"

- "Never play leap frog with a unicorn."

- "Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m"

- "The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful."

- "I Cayman went."

- "My other wife is beautiful."

- "I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?"

- "Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips."

- "Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle."

- "Nuke the unborn baby whales."

- "Geez if you belive in honkus."

- "Friends don't let friends drive naked."

- "Save California; when you leave take someone with you."

- "I came, I saw, I did a little shopping."

- "There's one in every crowd and they always find me."

- "If money could talk, it would say goodbye."

- "When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger."

- "Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats."

- "If it's too loud, you're too old."

- "The worst day fishing is better than the best day working."

- "Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing."

- "Who cares who's on board?"

- "Die Yuppie Scum."

- "Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it."

- "Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister."

- "Women make great leaders. You're following one now."

- "Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities."

- "Exxon Suxx."

- "Honk if you love cheeses."

- "Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist."

- "I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be."

- "So many pedestrians, so little time."

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.

- Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

- Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex.

(The daughter looks puzzled.)

- Mom: That means the daddy puts his penis in mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

- Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your and daddy's room, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

- Mom: Jewelry, dear.

Dear:

Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

- ( ) the tooth could not be found

- ( ) it was not a human tooth

- ( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny

- ( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor

- ( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash

- ( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you

- ( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails

- ( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action

- ( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy

- ( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received

- ( ) the tooth is still in your mouth

- ( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit

- ( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit

- ( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing

- ( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:

- [ ] string

- [ ] pliers

- [ ] gunpowder

- [ ] hammer marks

- [ ] chisel

- [ ] part of skull attached to tooth

- [ ] no dental care

- ( ) other:

Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.

Sincerely,
The Tooth Fairy

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

- My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.

- Well put - the judge replied.

- Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out!

Although Cupid got all the girls hot,
a great lover himself he was not.
They would say, "Sorry, sport,
but your arrow's too short--
What we want is what Hercules' got."

Euphemism is all very well,
but if I really am going to hell,
I'd rather it be for lechery,
not for "loving the ladies too well."

Juno's measure of fury was full,
but Zeus had a trick he could pull.
He said, "Surely, my dear,
whatever you hear
from Europa is all cock and bull."

Oh a pussy's a timorous beast,
needing petting and patience at least,
but she'll alter completely,
if handled quite sweetly,
and sit up and roar when she's greased.

Everyone hear the news about Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty being expelled from Disneyland?

Apparently all three were co-conspirators in the kidnapping of Pinocchio.

For several days, they tied him up, and each took turns sitting on his face, telling him to lie, lie, lie!!!

[San Jose Mercury News]

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system.

His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]. "Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.]

Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in a Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. "It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected."

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned.

Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.

[Times of London]

A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctor's paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sun bed. He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage of 10 seconds. After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time, the man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the police. Southampton police said:

- This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life.

More intelligence-challenged people

45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

Portsmouth, R. I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he: 1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and 2. later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida, for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

In case you've forgotten about the 1995 awardees, some of them are listed below:

- James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft." [Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95]

- Same thing up here in MI. Seems some poor fella thought it would be a good idea to "move" a downed wire from his car. Newspaper reports it took a FULL MINUTE of neighbors whacking away at him with a 2x4 to free their freshly fried former friend from the fatal flashing.

- Bowling Green, Ohio, student Robert Ricketts, 19, had his head bloodied when he was struck by a Conrail train. He told police he was trying to see how close to the moving train he could place his head without getting hit.

- In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the leg with pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. When repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When he couldn't find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it.