Worst jokes

One day, a space ship landed in a farmer's field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.

Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed.

The Martian then man took the farmer's wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer's wife:

- Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?

The farmer's wife replied:

- It needs to be a little bigger around.

So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around.

About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer's wife again:

- How does it feel now?

The farmer's wife responded:

- I think it needs to be a little longer.

So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his penis became longer.

The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife:

- How was the Martian man?

To this, the farmer's wife replied:

- Fine.

- And how about the Martian woman?

The farmer replied:

- That damn bitch yanked on my fucking ears all night long!

Cinderella REALLY wanted to go to Prince Charming's ball, but as you know the evil stepsisiers and stepmother will not let her. So they leave her all alone on the big night, cleaning the place.

- Oh, how I wish I could go! - Cinderella sighed.

No sooner had she said this than her Fairy Godmother appeared, holding a long, beautiful white dress.

- Here, god-child - the fairy said.

- try this on.

So Cinderella puts the thing on, and it fits perfectly, except she notices some red drops on the white fabric.

- Dammit - Cinderella said.

- of all the lousy nights to get my period!

So the God mother presents her with a magic Tampon to solve the problem, but the tampon has a warning on it:

- Please return to the house by midnight or the tampon will be turned into a pumpkin.

Cinderella puts it in her and goes to the Ball.

Meanwhile, the Fairy Godmother awaits Cinderella's return. 10 o'clock -- 11 o'clock -- 12 o'clock -- 1 o'clock

Finally, at around 3 in the morning, a very out of breath Cinderella stumbles in.

- My God! What happened to you? What about the tampon? What about the prince?

- Forget the prince - Cinderella sighed.

- At around one o'clock I met the most amazing guy...

Peter Peter something...

A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.

- A magic potion - she replies.

- Well what does it for - he asks.

- This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer.

At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life.

After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion.

He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every course he manage to get to and having a wonderful time of it. After a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk to her.

- Well - she asks.

- How has your game been?

- Great! This has been the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and never lost a game.

- And how about your sex life?

- Oh, not bad.

- Really? This stuff can really ruin a guys sex life. Say, how many times did you have sex last year?

- Hmmmm, it was three, no, four times.

- And you call that not bad?

- Not for a priest with a small parish.

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girls house. One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says:

- See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one! The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.

The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah". The little boy gets mad and points to his bike:

- See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his most private of parts, and says:

- You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl:

- Well, what do you have to say NOW?

So she pulls up her dress and says:

- My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!

1. The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.
2. Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries make perfect scapegoats.
3. Whine convincingly.
4. Certain ailments work better than others as excuses. No doctor or machine in the world can prove that you don't have that headache.
5. Try to remember that nature allotted each of us only two grandmothers to attend funerals for.

And now, some excuses:

- I was going to mail it for your birthday, but then I couldn't find it, and by the time I found it, it was too late and I was embarrassed to send it to you.

- The baby threw up all over my dress, and we had to go home first to change.

- I'm taking care of a sick aunt...no, this is a different one.

- The car ran out of gas.

- Well, you never told me I couldn't do that.

- He started it.

- I have jet lag.

- I'd really like to, but my gerbils are having babies tonight.

- I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end.

- I missed the bus.

- The alarm didn't go off.

- I couldn't find a parking space.

- The Devil made me do it.

- Drugs made me do it.

- Everybody else does it.

- That's not my department.

- Our computer's down.

- We must have misplaced your original request.

- It's on someone elses desk.

- Don't ask me - I just work here.

1. Watch the sunset-- on a sled.
2. Smile more, --it might get you a free beer.
3. Complain less. --It might get you a free beer.
4. Surprise a friend with a call. -- It might get you a free beer.
5. Develop your gifts. -- You might need them.
6. Count your blessings. -- You might need these too!
7. Talk to someone in an elevator. -- Particularly ones with Arctic Cat jackets on, or those carrying beer.
8. Breathe consciously once in a while. -- This cures snoring.
9. Enjoy sneezes -- and stay behind the one sneezing.
10. Appreciate that your leg isn't broken, -- unless you are an actor.
11. Be unique, --it demonstrates difference!
12. Sing in the shower. -- With a friend!
13. Put your shoes on the wrong feet and laugh at yourself, -- or have someone laugh at you.
14. Make someone's day, -- or night.
15. Stand on your head. -- For a free beer!
16. Stare at the world above you. -- Hopefully not from under a bar.
17. Play with an animal. -- Be sure it is one which cannot eat you!
18. Slurp Jell-O. --Add Vodka for flavor.
19. Do something unplanned. -- Plan to do it this weekend!
20. Plan to do something and have it go as planned. -- This is hard!
21. Stand back and look in. -- Tell my wife this when shopping all the time.
22. Appreciate a paradox -- paradox a appreciate.
23. Dive in. -- Naked!
24. Get grass stains. -- Naked :)
25. Wave your hands in the air.-- Use the middle finger at birds.
26. Swim with the fishes. -- Again, naked.
27. Make maple syrup. -- Don't use pine juice.
28. Climb a tree. --Don't climb a pine.
29. Spin in a circle once while walking to class. -- Don't fall in a mud puddle.
30. Tell someone they look nice. -- You look nice.
31. Collect something, -- like taxes from the tax collector!
32. Walk barefoot every chance you get. -- Even in the snow!
33. Build a sand castle, -- or a snowman.
34. Walk with no destination. -- Talk with no destination.
35. When all your exams are done, treat yourself to an ice cream cone. -- OK I WILL! Then a beer.
36. Entertain yourself by making faces. -- bend over and see if they look the same.
37. Don't just listen, try to hear. --Then try to listen to a friend.
38. Wear shoes until they're so old they won't stay on your feet. --Then wear them swimming.
39. Appreciate the primary colors. -- Know them!
40. When you wake up, realize you're alive. -- Promise not to use vulgarities.
41. Walk in the rain, -- with a bar of soap.
42. Blow bubbles, -- in the tub!
43. Make the most of where you are. -- Ride an Arctic Cat!
44. Jump as high as you can. -- Come down on an empty beer can, and recycle it.
45. Dance -- in bed
46. Talk less and say more. --Carry a BIG stick.
47. Exercise before you diet. -- 12 oz. curls don't count do they?
48. Learn to play chess. -- That and Linear Algebra may come in handy.
49. Sit by a river. -- With a beer, on an Arctic Cat.
50. Never lose your sense of humor. -- You will need it!

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

- What's the matter? - asked his wife.

- Did I hurt you?

- No - replies the man.

- but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.

The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom:

- This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto.

Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot:

- Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?

Now all ears in the plan are listening in to this conversation.

- Well - says the skipper.

- First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night.

Well, everyone in the planes trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies handbag - splat - and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says:

- No need to run dearie, he's got to go for a shit first!

Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his girlfriend some.

Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says:

- Whatcha doin' daddy?

Johnny's dad stoops over to cover-up his dick and starts looking at the floor.

- Oh I'm just looking for this big rat I saw - he says.

Little Johnny says:

- Whatcha gonna do, fuck it?

John and Claire are just newly married. They are still a little shy about doing the "wild thing", so they decide to just refer to it as "washing the clothes". One night, Claire invites some of her friends over for dinner, but John is really horny and doesn't want to have to entertain their guests. So, as Claire is serving the main course, he whispers in her ear, "Let's go wash the clothes". Claire is horrified that he could even suggest such a thing while they're entertaining, and she refuses. John tries again, but she won't give in. Claire tells him instead to go upstairs and get the candleholders from the hall closet. Frustrated, John slowly walks up the stairs to get them.

While he's upstairs, Claire thinks of the fun they'd have if they COULD "wash the clothes". Nah, she thinks. Not now. But eventually her imagination gets the best of her, and she tells the maid to run upstairs and tell John that she'll be up in a minute to help him. The maid finds John upstairs in the bedroom, and tells him that his wife will be up in a minute to help him wash the clothes.

- Tell her it's ok - says John.

- I already did them by hand.