Worst jokes

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

- I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer:

- I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A BLONDE woman timidly spoke up:

- I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

- Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me! - she told him earnestly.

- Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes - he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She beganto massage his groin.

After a few moments she asked:

- Does that feel better?

The man looked up at her and replied:

- Yes, that feels pretty good... but my thumb still hurts like hell!

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:--Responsibility makes me nervous.--They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.

Couldn't work under those conditions.

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:--Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.--I was working for my mom until she decided to move.--The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:--While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.--I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:--Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.--My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.--I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:--Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

PERSONAL INTERESTS:--Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:--Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.--Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.--Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.--I'm a rabid typist.--Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

The real name of "the" Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III.

Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order of third (3rd.)By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:B.......66I.......73L.......76L.......76G.......71A.......65T.......84E.......69S.......83........3--------------.......666 !!

Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?" Coincidence?

Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement???

YOU decide!

Before you decide, consider the following:M S - D O S 6 . 2 177 83 45 68 79 83 32 54 46 50 49 = 666W I N D O W S 9 587 73 78 68 79 87 83 57 53 1 = 666Coincidence? I think not.

John went to Dr. Smith because of intense migraine headaches.

The doctor tried many things, but no relief. Finally, after many visits, the doc sat down and said:

- You know, John, why don't you try something unusual. Why don't you do something that I always do when I have a headache like that. I phone my wife and tell her I'm coming home; she waits for me in the bedroom, with her blouse off, and I nestle my head between those two beautiful breasts and soon the headache disappears! You ought to try something like that--I don't know what else to do for you. It wouldn't hurt.

- Well I might try something like that - said John.

A month later, John is back in the clinic, seeing another doctor on another unrelated matter, and he and Dr. Smith pass each other in the hallway.

- John! - says the doc.

- Haven't seen you in a while! How's those headaches?

- Great! They're all gone! Thanks for your advice! - said John.

- Hey, that's fantastic! - said Dr. Smith, walking on down the hallway.

- Say, Doc! - yelled John, down the hall,

- Nice place you got there!

This couple out on a date get a flat tire while driving along on a snowy night. They guy gets out to change the tire, but he doesn't have any gloves so before long he gets back in the car with the job half-done, his hands blue from the cold.

- Put your hands between my legs to warm them up - offers his gal. So he does, then gets out to finish the job.

It's so cold, however, that he has to come back one more time to warm his hands, again between her legs.

Finally, he finishes the job and gets back into the car, and is about to put the keys into the ignition when she asks:

- Aren't your ears cold too?

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, an hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks:

- So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?

The pirate replies:

- We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept over board into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.

- Wow! - said the seaman.

- What about your hook?

- Well... - replied the pirate.

- We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords when one of the enemy cut my hand off.

- Incredible! - remarked the seaman.

- How did you get the eye patch?

- A seagull dropping fell into my eye - replied the pirate.

- You lost your eye to a seagull dropping? - the sailor asked increduously.

- Well... - said the pirate.

- ..it was also my first day with the hook.

Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father.

One boy said:

- My father is better than your father.

The other kid said:

- Well, my mother is better than your mother.

The first boy paused and then replied:

- I guess you're right. My father says the same thing.

- "Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

- "Keyboard" -- Place to hang your truck keys.

- "Window" -- Place in the truck to hang your guns.

- "Floppy" -- When you run out of Polygrip.

- "Modem" -- How you got rid of your dandelions.

- "ROM" -- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

- "Byte" -- First word in a kiss-off phrase.

- "Reboot" -- What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

- "Network" -- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.

- "Mouse" -- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.

- "LAN" -- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."

- "Cursor" -- What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

- "bit" -- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."

- "digital control" -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

- "packet" -- What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

A bloke who was well known for his anti Italian sentiments, was walking down the street one day with a mate, when they came across a busking act, an Italian with an organ grinding monkey. Our incipient racist stunned his friend by throwing a couple of bucks into the hat.

- I thought you hated Italians? - was the comment as the friend recovered.

- Yeh, I do. But even I'll admit they're cute when they're little.