Worst jokes

ATTENTION:
All citizens of Arkansas planning a trip to Washington, D.C. to visit Willy Jeff

1. Before leaving for Washington, clean red mud from windshields and remove hog and chicken feed from pick-up bed.
2. Any cardboard box can be made to look like a suitcase if brown shoe polish is smoothly applied. Boxes must have tops, but no ropes. When a few miles out of Arkansas, remove overalls and brogans and putt them into your box. Change to Sunday suit, clean shirt and good shoes (wear socks).
3. Limit occupancy of your car or pickup to a reasonable number of riders. It looks country to overload a vehicle.
4. Those going on their tractors should leave three weeks early. Remember to drive on the right side of the road at all times, except when passing an older tractor or a buddy in a wagon.
5. En route always buy a full tank of gas. A dollar's worth at a time requires too many gas stops.
6. On arrival in Washington, immediately get settled in a tourist or boarding house. If they don't feed, try to locate near an all-nite cafe. Leave soda crackers, Viennas, R.C. Colas and Moon Pies In car or pick-up. First class tourist homes do not take kindly to guests who prepare food in their sleeping rooms.
7. Do not take live chickens or hogs - for some reason people in Virginia think that they have good hams. For the sake of national unity, we don't want to show them up. Besides, their dogs would chase our chickens and our hogs would eat their dogs... just making a hell of a mess.
8. Do not take Sears catalog or corn cobbs with you. Up there the out-houses are always inside and they furnish a rolled paper substitute, but remember to turn the knob on the white bowl as this is a house rule and creates less air pollution problems. Brother Al Gore gets all heated about this pollution and we don't want to set him off.
9. If invited by a county agent, fertilizer manufacturer's representative or hog vaccine manufacturer's salesman to have a drink in his hotel room, do not spit tobacco juice on the carpeted floor. When asked what you drink, don't say "stump juice". Tell them all classy people from Arkansas drink B&B (Bourbon and Branch water).
10. And above all else - don't let any Yankee show you up. Constant screaming of "He's a good ole boy" will make it difficult for them to engage you in conversation on their intelligence level. You can also keep up the chant started by Cousin Slick:

- It's time for change!

As you know, we plan a change of underwear on the first of every month. First cousins change with second cousins, but always keep it in the family. Willie has passed a decree, even when divorced you can still be cousins in Arkansas.

1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(crossed out), diahoah(crossed out), dyah(crossed out) the shits.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when.

Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.

I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...
I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

Hi, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

- Hi. Now you say something.

- Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is:

- We aren't in, leave a message.

That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.

Hi! Jan's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.

Hi, This is Mike. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...

HI! Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to... I mean, do FOR you.

From a document submitted and published in the Congressional Record on October 1, 1974, by Representative Craig Hosmer [R-California]. The author chose to remain anonymous.

Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.

Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.

Republicans consume three fourths of all the rutabaga produced in this country. The remainder is thrown out.

Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.

Democrats give their worn out clothes to those less fortunate.

Republicans wear theirs.

Republicans employ exterminators.

Democrats step on the bugs.

Democrats name their children after currently popular sports figures, politicians, and entertainers.

Republican children are named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.

Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful.

Neither are Republicans.

Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom any reason why they should.

Democrats ought to, but don't.

Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.

Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.

Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car windows by Democrats.

Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows.

Democrats raise Airedales, kids, and taxes.

Democrats eat the fish they catch.

Republicans hang them on the wall.

Republican boys date Democratic girls.

They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that they're entitled to a little fun first.

Democrats make plans and then do something else.

Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

Republicans sleep in twin beds--some even in separate rooms.

That is why there are more Democrats.

This women of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy.

The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used.

After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.

The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor's office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.

The doctor replied:

- Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits, and if you don't stop turning those screws you're going to have a beard!

You Know You're Getting Older When...

- Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

- You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.

- Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

- You get winded playing chess.

- Your children begin to look middle aged.

- You're still chasing women but can't remember why.

- A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

- You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

- You look forward to a dull evening.

- You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.

- Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."

- You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

- You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.

- After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.

- Dialing long distance wears you out.

- You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.

- You just can't stand people who are intolerant.

- You burn the midnight oil until 9 PM.

- Your back goes out more often than you do.

- Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.

- The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

- You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.

- You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

What would happen if we priced our "COWS" using the same criteria the auto industry uses to price a "CAR"?

LIST PRICING A COW

A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:

- BASIC COW: $499.95

- Shipping and handling: 35.75

- Extra Stomach: 79.25

- Two Tone Exterior: 142.10

- Produce Storage Compartment: 126.50

- Heavy Duty Straw Chopper: 189.60

- Four Spigot/High Output Drain System: 149.20

- Automatic Fly Swatter: 88.50

- Genuine Cowhide Upholstery: 179.90

- Deluxe Dual Horns: 59.25

- Automatic Fertilizer Attachment: 339.40

- 4X4 Traction Drive Assembly: 884.16

- Pre-delivery Wash and Comb: 69.80

FARMER'S SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: $2,843.36
Additional Dealer Adjustments: 300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including Options): $3,143.36

A son asks his father:

- What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow.

The father thought some and said:

- OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy.

- Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner.

- Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?

The little boy said:

- Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said.

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table:

- Dad, I think I understand politics much better now.

- Excellent, my boy - he answered

- What have you learned?

The little boy thought for a minute and said:

- I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap.

Insensitive Term - Preferred Term

ETHNICITY

PC people do not recognize the term, "race," as valid

- Black- African-Canadian, (NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE: LIBYANS, EGYPTIANS, WHITE South AFRICANS. DOES INCLUDE: PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.)

- Oriental- Asian-Canadian (Note: Not Considered "REAL" Minorities since they tend to do well)

- Indian- Native-Canadian (NOTE: The following terms are no PC: Atlanta Braves, Cleveland Indians, Kansas City Chiefs, Washington Redskins, (Avoid these cities!)

- Chicano -Hispanic (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC: Cheech and Chong, Chico and the Man episodes, Cisco Kid, Rosarita Salsa, Speedy Gonzales, AVOID! AVOID!)

- White Trash-PC Unaware, Rustically Inclined

- WASP (white male)-insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)

GENDER

(PC people don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing connotations)

- Woman- Womyn; Vaginal-Canadian

- Girl-Pre-Womyn

- Housewife-Domestic Engineer

- Fireman-Firefighter

- Stewardess-Flight Attendant

- Meter Maid-Parking Enforcement Adjudicator

- Post Man-Post Person Mail Man Person Person

- Policeman-Law Enforcement Officer; Baton Boy Cal. Clubber

- Prostitute-Sex Surrogate (Teen Victim. See: Broken Home)

- Mankind/Human-Earth Children

- Handicapped-Physically Challenged Differently Abled Handi-Capable

- Blind-Optically Darker Photonically Non-receptive

- Deaf-Visually Oriented

- Poor-Economically Unprepared

- Bum-Homeless Person Displaced Homeowner

- Hunter-Animal Assassin Meat Mercenary Bambi Butcher

- Whaler-Blubber Lovers

- Old Person /Elderly-4th-Dimentionally Extended Gerontologically Advanced

- Conservative-Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig

- Drug Addict-Chemically Challenged

- Bald-Comb-Free

- Bisexual-Sexually Non-preferential

- Midget, Dwarf-Little People, Vertically Challenged

- Convict-Socially Separated

- Insane People-Selectively Perceptive Mental Explorers

- Learning Disability-Self-Paced Cognitive Ability

- Tree-Hugger-Environmental Activist

- Logger-Wood Weasel, Paper Pirate, Treeslayer

- Dead People-Dysfunctional Earth Children Biologically Challenged Metaphysically Challenged

- Broken Home-Dysfunctional Family

- HouseBroken-Family Dysfunction

- Cattle Ranch-Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC) "Moo-shwitz"

- Senile Bag o'Bones-Alzheimer's Victim

- Ghetto/Barrio-(EHA) Ethnically Homogenous Area

- Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana

- Hamburger-Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)

- Cheeseburger-Adding Insult to Injury

- Cheating (in School)-Academic Dishonesty

- Used Books-Recycled Books

- Trees-Oxygen Exchange Units

- Gang-Youth Group

- Slum-(EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone

- Obese- People of Mass Gravitationally Challenged

- Delicatessen- Corpse Farm Charnel House

New Official Politically Correct Terms for the 90's

OLD -- NEW

- conservative -- reactionary

- the establishment -- white power elite

- hearing person -- temporarily aurally abled

- sighted person -- temporarily visually abled

- blind -- visually challenged

- mute -- vocally challenged

- deaf -- aurally challenged

- dead -- metabolically different

- alive -- temporarily metabolically abled

- ugly -- aesthetically challenged

- fat -- gravitationally challenged

- heavy-set -- people of mass

- rude -- politically correct

- psychopath -- socially misaligned

- crooked -- ethically challenged

- klutzy -- kinesthetically challenged

- bald -- follicularly challenged

- short -- differently statured

- non-white, non-male oppressed -- white melanin impoverished / genetically oppressive

- white male -- oppressor

- black -- african-american

- asian -- asian-american

- afro-american -- african-american

- minority group -- numerically challenged group; under-represented population

- black -- person of color

- Chicano -- person of color

- weird green freak -- person of color

- female -- person of gender

- drooling drunk idiot -- person on floor

- group of blacks -- Under-Represented population of persons of color

- Group of Whites -- L.A.P.D.

- woman -- womyn

- women -- wymin

- girl -- pre-womyn

- man -- oppressor

- boy -- oppressor-to-be

- pregnancy -- parasitic oppression

- janitor -- sanitation engineer

- disabled car -- mechanically challenged car

- dish washer -- utensil sanitizer

- dairy -- where cows are raped

- ranch -- where cattle are murdered

- egg ranch -- where hens are raped

- biology department -- where animals are tortured and then murdered to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white male scientist lackeys of the imperialist drug companies

- fishing -- raping the oceans

- farming -- exploiting mother earth

- nhl hockey -- uniformed fascists vying for superiority

- paper bag -- processed tree carcass

Many of the labels from the 80's are now passe. Here is a partial list of the denotations that are now acceptable (all labels are subject to change without notice).

old 80's/90's

- deaf/hearing impaired/aurally challenged

- blind /sight impaired/visually challenged

- retarded/mentally handicapped/mentally challenged

- queer/gay/homosexual/queer (strange but true)

- fat/big boned/alternative body image