Worst jokes

Definitions of A Diplomat:

- Always knows what to talk about, but doesn't always talk about what he knows.

- Always tries to settle problems created by other diplomats.

- Can always make himself misunderstood.

- Can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans.

- Can convince his wife not to hide her nice body under a floor-length sable.

- Can convince his wife to show off her new coat in a bus rather than in a taxi.

- Can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue.

- Can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest.

- Can look happy when he has unexpected dinner guests.

- Can make his wife believe she will look fat in a mink coat.

- Can make nothing sound like something.

- Can put his best foot forward when he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

- Can put his foot down without stepping on someone's toes.

- Can say the nastiest things in the nicest way.

- Can tell a man he's open-minded when he means he has a hole in his head.

- Can tell you to go to hell so tactfully that you look forward to the trip.

- Comes right out and says what he thinks when he agrees with you.

- Divides his time between running for office and running for cover.

- Has a straightforward way of dodging issues.

- Knows how far to go before he goes too far.

- Lets you do all the talking while he gets what he wants.

- Never tells a woman how nice she looks in a gown. He tells her how nice the gown looks on her.

- Puts his cards on the table, but still has some up each sleeve.

- Straddles an issue whenever he isn't dodging one.

- Will approach every question with an open mouth.

- Will lay down your life for his country.

- Will refuse to answer any question on the ground it might eliminate him.

What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her panties?
→ Self-employed!

What's the difference between Anarchists and Libertarians??

Libertarians are anarchists with money.

Anarchists believe property is theft. Libertarians believe everything is property.

Libertarians are bosses; anarchists work for them when they run out of other options.

Libertarians buy more guns, but anarchists use more ammo.

Libertarians ride in stretch limos; anarchists throw bricks through their windshields.

Libertarians go shopping; anarchists go shoplifting.

Libertarians go to the police after they've been mugged; anarchists get mugged by the police.

A libertarian wants to marry another libertarian, but only after sleeping with enough anarchists.

Anarchists ignore the IRS; Libertarians hire accountants and attorneys to fight them.

Libertarians think the government is trying steal the property they rightfully own; anarchists think the government is trying to defend property that nobody rightfully owns.

Libertarians are organized in a political party; anarchists aren't organized in anything.

Anarchists ignore elections; Libertarians run for office, vote and lose.

Libertarians think anarchists are naive and unrealistic; anarchists don't care what libertarians think.

A man who went to Church with his wife fell was always falling asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off.

As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out:

- ... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th..

She poked her husband who then came flying out of the pew and screamed:

- Good God all mighty

- That's right, that's right - the minister said and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again when the minister got to:

- ... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins...

the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted:

- Jesus Christ

- that's right, That's Right - the Minister said and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to:

- ... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child

the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said:

- If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off!

What would you find in Superman's bathroom?
→ Superbowl.

What do you get when something gets caught in your Zippo?
→ Zippo Marx.

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice:

- I'd like to try the bet.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man:

- what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?

The man replied:

- I work for the IRS.

It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world...

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained:

- Man doth not live by sweat alone.

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 13 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession, a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

This one happened on an exam: One of the students identified the rainbow as the arc of the covenant.

Also a true story: The teacher asked her class to draw a picture of the Holy Family and one child drew a rather large figure as part of his threesome, explaining that they were Round John Virgin, mother and child.

The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and suddenly turned into a pillar of salt.

- My mother looked back while she was driving - contributed little Johnny.

- and she turned into a telephone pole.

How the Bible would have been different if written by college students:

• Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips
• Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.
• Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.
• Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.
• Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
• The place where the end of the world occurs, not the Plains of Armageddon, rather Finals.
• Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
• Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a Freshman.
• Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.

Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?

The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.