A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks:
- Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?
- I got it for my wife, eh. - answers Bob.
- Oh! - exclaims Doug.
- Good trade!
In Canada we have two Seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling...:
- SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know
4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war) 1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets) 1 2 3 4 5
5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary).
What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you?
→ Touchback.
What's the major cause of divorce?
→ Once is not enough.
TEST:
DO NOT SKIP AHEAD. Read this message ONE LINE AT A TIME and just do what it says. You will be glad you did. If not, you'll feel like an idiot and wish you had listened.
DO NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE ALL OF THE ABOVE
Here it comes, NO CHEATING or you'll be sorry....................
You have a grey elephant from Denmark!
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation... (She is speaking in a cheery voice)
- Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks:
- Who was that?
- Oh - she replies.
- That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you.
Bill Clinton made up a list of things he can say to his secretaries so they will know what he really wants, but everyone else will ignore.
So one day, he hires a new secretary, and then calls her over the intercom:
- Hello Ms., could you please come in here and fix my clock.
Of course, she innocently agreed. She walked into the office, and looked around.
- Where's the clock sir? - she asked.
Suddenly, the president stood up and dropped his pants.
- That's not a clock Mr. Clinton ! - she exclaimed.
- It will be - he replied.
- Once you put two hands and a face on it !.
Now I lay me down to sleep, from the nightstand buttons beep.
PC all set to download a file, and send the mail in a little while.
Then gather the news before the dawn, and all the scores from fans long gone.
The AC is set to cut back on cool; Lights to blink, the burglars to fool.
Alarm clock set on delayed shutoff; CD to play some, then cutoff.
Sleep-maker set on medium tension, Voice mail set on no-wake suspension.
Burglar alarm on delay activate; Carport lite on, for son who's late.
Mr. Coffee all set to percolate; Dishwasher to run at ten of eight.
Air purifier cleans each hour tonite; Water filter to fill the tank just right.
VCR to tape three good shows, Something to watch during winter snows.
Motion detectors on, to check what moves; White noise machine set to seaside soothes.
Camcorder is ready to film in a flash, Blender's all set, the fruit to mash.
Lord, Bless our all-electric domain; Keep lightning away should it rain.
Let no errant shock reset it all; Watch over the breaker box in the hall.
I'm wide awake now from all this hassle; God bless our multi-megawatt castle.
(Author Unknown)
