Worst jokes

What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?
→ A hematologist pricks your finger.

A medical student is taking a test and one of the questions he sees is:

- Name the three best advantages of mother's milk.

The student immediately writes:

- One: It has all the healthful nutrients needed to sustain a baby.

- Two: It is inside the mother's body and therefore protected from germs and infections.

But the student can't think of the third answer. Finally, he writes:

- Three: It comes in such nice containers.

A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says:

- For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.

The doctor says:

- It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.

The mathematician says:

- You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife, you can do some mathematics.

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck...it's probably a duck," and shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

I was twelve before I realized I could cough without having a doctor hold my balls!

And then there once was the doctor who was so conceited about his looks and charm that whenever he took a woman's pulse, he subtracted 10 beats to account for her being excited near him.

After making love, the woman said to the man:

- So, you're a doctor?

- That's right - replied the doctor smugly.

- Betcha don't know what kind of doctor.

- Ummm... I'd say that you're an anesthesiologist.

- Yep, that's right! Good guess! How did you know? - asked the guy.

- Because throughout the entire procedure, I didn't feel a thing.

After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced:

- Step back please! I've had a course in first aid and I'm trained in CPR.

The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder.

- When you get to the part about calling a doctor - she said.

- I'm already here!

At a major medical convention, a noted internist arises to announce that he has discovered a new miracle antibiotic.

- What's it cure? - asks a member of the audience.

- Nothing we don't already have a drug for - the internist replies.

- Well, what's so miraculous about it?

- One of the side effects is short-term memory loss. Several of my patients have paid my bill three or four times!

A man is talking to the family doctor:

- Doc, I think my wife's going deaf.

The doctor answers:

- Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says:

- Honey, what's for dinner?

He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.

- Honey, what's for dinner?

Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers:

- For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!