Worst jokes

What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
→ One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush.

What do you call a geriatric gynecologist?
→ A spreader of old wives' tales!

I recently attended a meeting of the International Singles Club here in Silicon Valley. I met a Chinese woman who was a dentist.

She had perfect teeth, which started me thinking: All dentists from all cultures apparently have perfect teeth.

So, I am looking for a gynecologist for my next girlfriend!

Things Not To Say To Your Pregnant Wife After Her Ultrasound

1. Thirsty?
2. Where did the extra set of arms come from?
3. Why does it look so much like a lizard?
4. So, what are the characteristics of hermaphroditism?
5. Could we do that again? The nurse had me distracted.

Things Not To Do While You Are With Your Wife In Labor In The Delivery Room

1. Clip your toenails.
2. Read a Playboy magazine.
3. Tell the doctor that you want the afterbirth to have it bronzed.
4. Flirt with the nurse.
5. Watch a football game on your portable television.
6. Tell her how pretty and sexy she looks right now.

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies:

- Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?

The doctor answered:

- Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain.

- I know, but can't you give me some idea? - she asks.

- Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little...

- Like this?

- A little more...

- Like this?

- No. A little more...

- Like this?

- Yes. Does that hurt?

- A little bit.

- Now stretch it over your head!

I just bought some Gravol for my kids. It's even called "Gravol for Children". It has dosage information for children 2 to under 6 years, and for children 6 to under 12 years. There is no dosage information for anybody older than 12 years old. But there is the following:

Caution: Do not exceed the recommended dosage. May cause drowsiness. Avoid driving a motor vehicle or performing tasks requiring mental alertness. Avoid alcoholic beverages. Do not take if you have: glaucoma, chronic lung disease, difficulty in urination due to an enlargement of the prostate gland, or if you are pregnant or breast-feeding unless directed by a physician. [and some other cautions not quite so inappropriate]

I had to take it back - my chain smoking, alcoholic, pregnant, car driving 6-year-old daughter couldn't take them!

What a mother once told her teenage daughter about how it felt to have a baby:

- It's kinda like trying to pass a watermelon through a keyhole.

A California couple discovered the wife was pregnant, but the family simply couldn't afford any more children. They looked around and found an excellent Hispanic family to adopt the child. Then they found out she was going to have twins. Fortunately, a family of Arab Americans agreed to adopt the other child. Twin healthy boys were born and passed along to the families, who named them Juan and Amal.

The biological parents kept in close touch with the adoptive parents in a very amicable relationships. One day, Juan's family sent a picture of the youth in his baseball uniform. The biological mother was so proud of her son. She said to her husband:

- He is so handsome! I wish we had a picture like this of our other son, too.

He replied:

- But dear, they are twins. When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!

The new mother got out of bed for the first time since her childbirth dressed in her robe and walked down the hospital hallway to the nurses desk where she asked for a phone book.

- What are you doing out here! You should be in your room resting - the nurse exclaimed.

- I want to search through the phone book for a name for my baby - the new mother replied.

- You don't have to do that here. The hospital furnished a booklet to all new mothers to assist them in picking a first name for their baby.

- You don't understand - the woman said and frowned.

- My baby already has a FIRST name!