Worst jokes

From David Letterman

Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Surgeon General

10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve.
11. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum.
12. Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a hospital gown.
13. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator.
14. You thought "Chicago Hope" was going to be a hit.
15. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally Struthers.
16. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof socks".
17. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy.
18. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in school.
19. Your cure for heart disease: Zima.

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says:

- I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.

The husband, rejected but still quite horny, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear:

- Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?

From Late Show with David Letterman

Top Ten Signs You've Gone To a Bad Chiropractor

10. When you walk, you make a wacky accordion sound.
11. Keeps saying, "A spine is like a box of chocolates."
12. Repeatly asks, "You a cop? You sure you ain't a cop?"
13. Over and over, you hear crunching sounds followed by "Uh-oh".
14. There's a two drink minimum.
15. At end of session, lies down on the table and says, "My turn!"
16. He was nowhere near Woodstock and yet he's covered with mud.
17. Rushes in late to your appointment still wearing his Burger King uniform.
18. Hints that for an extra $50, he'll "straighten" something else.
19. You're fully-clothed and he's naked.

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose.

The undertaker said:

- But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.

The lady said:

- Who's paying for this?

Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.

After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast.

The funeral director said:

- Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!

One woman says to another:

- I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynecologist yet! I mean he's so young and handsome! And your gynecologist is so old!

The other woman replies with a smile:

- Yeah, I know. His hands shake all the time!

If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get?
→ Tunnel vision!

A young doctor just out of medical school announced to his wife that he planned to specialize in gynecology.

When she asked him why he chose gynecology, he said simply:

- There's lots of openings!

A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth wedding.

- Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?

- My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be.

- Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow.

- The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed!

The brash young gynecologist, fresh out of medical school, took one look at his voluptuous new patient and abandoned his professional ethics entirely. As he stroked the supple skin of her naked body, he asked:

- Do you understand what I am doing?

- Yes - the patient answered.

- You're checking for dermatological abrasions.

- Correct - the doctor lied.

Next, he fondled her breasts long and lovingly. Again, he inquired:

- Do you understand what I am doing?

- You're feeling for cancerous lumps - she ventured.

- Very astute - the doctor complimented, getting more excited.

He placed the woman's feet in stirrups, dropped his pants, and slipped his member inside her.

And do you understand what I am doing now?

- All too well - the patient shot back.

- You're contracting herpes!

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied:

- I'd like to have some birth control pills.

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said:

- Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?

The woman responded:

- They help me sleep better.

The doctor thought some more and continued:

- How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?

The woman said:

- I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night!