Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill blonde appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.
The horrified nurse said:
- Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?
The lady replied:
- My phone doesn't have an eleven!
An anxious woman goes to her doctor.
- Doctor - she asks nervously.
- can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?
- Certainly - replies the doctor.
- Where do you think lawyers come from!
A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times...
He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says:
- Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won't be able to make love more than 30 times!
The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said. He tells her what the doc told him.
She says:
- Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!
He replies:
- Yes, I already made a list on the way home; sorry but your name is not on it!
There was this eighty-year-old man who was seeing the doctor for a checkup. The doctor asked why he needed the checkup. The man was getting married next month to a girl 60 years his junior. The doctor tried to talk him out of the marriage, and it didn't work.
However, the doctor suggested:
- If you want your marriage to last, I say you at least take in a boarder.
The old man agreed.
The old man didn't see the doctor until they met at a fund-raiser a year later.
The old man says:
- Doc, congratulate me, my wife is pregnant.
- That's good news - said the doctor.
- I knew the boarder would help.
- Oh - said the old man with a wicked grin.
- and the boarder's pregnant as well.
This 82-year-old man married a 22-year-old woman and they decided that they wanted to have kids. So after trying for a while with no success, he went to see the urologist, pretty discouraged. The urologist said not to get discouraged and that they could run some tests.
- Take this specimen jar into the bathroom and leave me a specimen to test - the doctor said.
The old man closed the door, and about an hour and a half later, still had not come out. The doctor came by and asked:
- Are you alright?
- No - the old man said.
- This just isn't going to work - he dejectedly explained.
- There's no hope for me, I've worn out my left hand, I've worn out my right hand, I've run cold water over it, and I've run hot water over it. I've even thumped it on the edge of the sink.
- But no way can I get the top off this specimen jar!
I was sorry to hear that a friend of mine dropped out of med school. He really wanted to be a doctor, but just couldn't stand the sight of money.
- Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the uncontrollable urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?
- Doctor: Yes... You're fucking crackers!
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed:
- This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!
The plumber waited for him to finish and then replied:
- Neither did I when I was a doctor!
A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30.
He is persuaded to have a medical exam first:
- Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit - he says to the doctor.
- Okay - says the medic.
- let me see your sex organs.
So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.
An extremely old man visits his doctor and tells him:
- I need my sex drive lowered.
The doctor, incredulous, says:
- What?? You want your sex drive lowered??
To which the old man replies:
- It's all in my head; I need it LOWERED!
