Worst jokes

This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench if from of a large pond. Across the other side of the pond are vendors sell all types of food stuff. The wife turns to hubby and say:

- I could really go for an ice cream cone.

Hubby replies:

- Well, I'll go get you one.

Wife says:

- But, you'll forget, you better write it down.

Hubby replies:

- No I won't; what do you want?

Wife says:

- Get me a Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles.

Hubby replies:

- Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I'll remember.

Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns.

The wife asks him:

- What took you so long, did you get lost?

The hubby replies:

- No, and I got what you wanted.

The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries?!

Wife says:

- I knew you you should have written the order down.

Hubby says:

- What do you mean - every thing is there?

To which the wife replies:

- No, it's not...look, you forgot the pickles!

It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.

Neighbor asks:

- Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?

Ed replies:

- Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...?

Neighbor says:

- You mean a rose?

Ed replies:

- Yeah, that's it!...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name?

A woman goes to the doctor and says:

- Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you.

The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe.

She does so, and the doctor goes around to see her when she is ready.

- Well, what is it? - he asks.

- It's a bit embarrassing - she replies.

- These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs.

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.

Then he suddenly asks:

- Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?

The woman blushes and says:

- Well, actually I have.

- That's the problem - the doctor says.

- Tell him his earrings aren't made of gold!!!

A Soviet emigre doctor gets a call from the Medicaid office.

- You've been billing us for weekly house calls to Mr. Ivanov for the last six months. Haven't you noticed that Mr. Ivanov has passed away?

- Sure I noticed! He was my favorite patient, I visit him at cemetery.

Four nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for, whom they all felt was an arrogant jerk. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.

The first nurse said:

- I stuffed cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear.

The second nurse said:

- I let the mercury out of his thermometers and painted them all to read 106 degrees.

The third nurse said:

- Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all of the condoms that he keeps in his desk drawer.

The fourth nurse fainted.

A Soviet emigre boy and girl come to a doctor's office and say:

- Doctor, we would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, please?

The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table, the boy gets on top of the girl, and they have sex. After observing them, the doctor says:

- Yes, you're having sex properly. That will be forty dollars.

They come back the next day with the same request, but this time the boy enters the girl from the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, using different positions every day.

On the fifth visit the doctor says:

- Why do you keep on coming back? I told you you're having sex properly.

The boy explains:

- The hotel room costs the same forty dollars, but this way we get reimbursed by Medicaid.

One Polish surgeon asks another:

- How did the operation go?

- The operation was a success, but the patient died!

What happened to a Brighton Beach prostitute who had an appendectomy performed by a Soviet emigre surgeon?
→ He sewed up the wrong hole, so now she's making money on the side.

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

- Boss - he said.

- The pill actually worked!

- That's all fine - said the boss.

- But where were you yesterday?

You know you're drinking too much coffee when...

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

- You chew on other people's fingernails.

- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."

- You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.

- You can jump-start your car without cables.

- Cocaine is a downer.

- All your kids are named "Joe".

- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.

- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

- You don't sweat, you percolate.

- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.

- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

- People get dizzy just watching you.

- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

- Instant coffee takes too long.

- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.

- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

- You short out motion detectors.

- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

- You don't tan, you roast.

- You can't even remember your second cup.

- You help your dog chase its tail.