There's this old man in a nursing home and he's hornier than hell. So he sees this cute nurse and says:
- How about a quickie for twenty bucks?
She agrees and gets on top of him. They go at it for about ten minutes. After the act, the old man says:
- You know, if I knew you were a virgin, I would have paid you a hundred bucks.
In reply, the nurse says:
- If I knew you could get it up that high, I would have taken off my pantyhose!
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman:
- I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.
- Do you think it will work? - she asks the doctor.
- It's worth a try - he says.
So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says:
- Father, you're not going to believe this.
- What? - says the priest.
- What happened?
- You gave birth to a child.
- But that's impossible!
- I just did the operation - insists the doctor.
- It's a miracle! Here's your baby.
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says:
- Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father.
The son says:
- What do you mean, you're not my father?
The priest replies:
- I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father.
Last year, a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight.
He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie with him on his next visit.
When he was being examined the doctor shoved the muffin, the Twinkie, and finally the cookie up the guy's ass. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the therapy.
This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor shoved a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie up his ass.
Finally, after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a mallet for the next visit. The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin and the Twinkie up the patient's ass.
After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his asshole and demanded:
- Where's my cookie!? WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.
Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.
The girl was startled and exclaimed:
- What was that?
Suddenly, the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared.
The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said:
- I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... Can you do that again?
With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied:
- Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!
A guy goes to the doctor with a mysterious pain and tells the doctor:
- Doctor, my penis has been burning lately.
And the doctor said reassuringly:
- Don't worry son, that just means someone is talking about it.
A man was walking along a sidewalk in a very gentle manner, almost as if he were walking on eggs. Two doctors, also on foot, were across the street. They spotted the man and began to discuss his condition.
- Prostrate trouble - said the first doctor.
- Oh no, not at all. That's a case of hemorrhoids if ever I saw one - said the other.
They tossed it back and forth until one of them suggested going over to talk to the man.
- Mister, this gentleman and I are both doctors - said one.
- and if you'll pardon our intrusion, I figured you have a bad prostrate problem, but my colleague thought it to be hemorrhoids. Might you state the problem so that we can solve our little dilemma?
- Well - said the man.
- all three of us were wrong. I thought it was gas.
A fellow went to the doctor one day and said:
- Doc, I have a problem. My penis is red.
Doctor replied:
- Drop your pants, let me take a look. Ummm...yes, no problem, we can have you fixed up in no time, $40.
The fellow was impressed. Told his friend of the experience and that he hadn't been to a doctor for only $40 for quite a spell.
His friend said:
- Really? I have a similar problem. What doctor did you go to?
So his friend goes to the same doctor and tells him:
- Doc, George recommended you...you've got to help me. My penis is blue.
Doc asks to take a look.
- Ah yes... Ummm... Yep, we can take care of it, no problem, $400.
- FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS? Wait a MINUTE! You took care of George for only $40.
- Yes, I did. But George's penis had lipstick on it. Yours has gangrene!
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
- Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.
The doctor reassured her.
- A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?
- On my balls!
A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wanted a virgin.
Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.
The doctor told her it would cost around $500, but there was another way that would cost only $50.
The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on her for several minutes.
After the "first night" of intimacy, the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. And she asked him how he did it.
- Simple... I tied your pubic hairs together!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
→ None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
→ Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
→ So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
→ When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
→ You don't. There's a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
→ Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
→ The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
→ A woman that won't do what she's told!
