Worst jokes

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk:

- I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?

- About 35 - was the reply.

- I'm actually 47 - the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker the same question, to which the reply was:

- Oh you look about 29?

- I am actually 47.

That made her feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied:

- I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age.

As there was no one around, the woman thought, "What the hell", and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said:

- Ok, You are 47.

Stunned the woman said:

- That was brilliant! How did you do that?

The old man replied:

- I was behind you in line at McDonalds!

This 55-year-old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says:

- You look ridiculous; what on earth are you doing?

She says:

- I just got the results of my annual physical and my doctor said I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.

She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says:

- Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 55-year-old ass?

She says:

- Your name never came up!

A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up.

After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment, and selected a short skirt to go with it.

She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as she sipped a drink.

She slowly spread her legs ...

- Honey would you like some of this? - she asked enticingly.

- Hell no! - he gasped, look what it's done to your underwear!

Snappy answers to sappy questions:
All your puny problems solved in 10 words or less!

Dear Abby, What can I do about my little brother? He's such a pest!
→ Have you tried a flyswatter?

Dear Abby, My boss is a mean, unappreciative slave driver who constantly belittles me. What can I do?
→ Shut up and get back to work!

Dear Abby, My dad insists I clean my room! How can I get out of this?
→ Get a new dad.

Dear Abby, Why are you so lazy?
→ Dear loser, Why are you so stupid? Next question.

Dear Abby, Help! I need to lose weight! How can I stop eating all the fattening foods I love?
→ Send them to me and I'll eat them for you.

- I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love - the husband told the counselor.

- Has she started to neglect you?

- Not at all - the dejected man replied.

- She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, and she keeps the kids out of my hair. She even lets me choose the television shows we watch.

- So what's the problem?

- Maybe I'm just being too sensitive - the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers:

- Die! Die, you son of a bitch!

Your momma so fat when she wears high heels she strikes oil!

How do you open a can of beer?
→ That's not the point - it should be open when she gives it to you!

How do you drown a blonde?
→ Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

There were two blonds on their way to Disney World.

When they were getting close there was a sign that read:

- DISNEY WORLD LEFT.

So they turned around and went home.

Princess Diana and Dolly Parton had both died on the same night. When they reached the gates of Heaven they were greeted by St. Peter.

St. Peter said:

- Excuse me ladies, but before I let you in... I must know what you were doing when you died... you see Heaven has become AWFULLY crowded...it's our new policy! He smiled.

- Well...if you must know... I was standing in front of the mirror examining my boobs... - Dolly Parton said.

- And I was going to the bathroom! - Princess Diana said.

- You may enter into Heaven...

St. Peter held the gate open for Princess Diana to pass through.

- WAIT A MINUTE! How come she gets to go and not me?! - Dolly Parton asked.

- Why...don't you know...a royal flush beats 2 of a kind! - St. Peter exclaimed.