Worst jokes

A blonde dies and goes to the pearly gates of heaven to meet Saint Peter...

He first tells her that the only way she can get through the gate is to pass a quite simple test.

- What is The Son Of God's name? - he asks.

She thinks for a minute, rubbing her chin in deep thought.

- Andy! - she bursts out with a gleaming smile.

- No, I'm sorry that is incorrect, what made you say that? - he asks.

She starts singing...

- Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, andy tells me...

This Zen Buddhist Monk walks up to a hotdog stand and says to the vender:

- Give me one with everything.

So the vender makes him a hotdog with everything, hands it to the Buddhist Monk.

The Buddhist gives him a twenty dollar bill, the vender takes it, puts it in his cash register and shuts the door.

The Buddhist says:

- Wait, where's my change?

The vender replies:

- Change must come from within.

Uh...top 10 things not to say to a naked man:

10. Awww...that's cute
11. Well, at least you're good at other things
12. Do you think it'll fit in my old Barbie clothes?
13. My li'l brother has one like that.
14. Are you cold?
15. ::giggles::
16. Maybe we should just be friends
17. Can you make it dance?
18. Umm...maybe you should get dressed
19. Oh...look...its hiding!

Did you hear?

The Energizer bunny has been arrested for Battery.

Did you know that the inventor of sprinklers was racist?

Yeah, listen to one next time you get a chance, It goes - spic....spic....spic....nigga...nigga...nigga...nigga.........chink!

Late one night a car was swerving all over the road. A police officer pulled them over and went up to the vehicle. He then noticed it was the local preacher, Father McBrian. The officer then asked him why he was swerving all over the road. He said he wasn't.

The officer immediately asked him:

- Father, have you been drinking?

- No... - replied Father.

- Is that liquor in your bottle there Father? - suggested the officer.

- No it's just water - answered Father.

The officer took it and smelled it. He then said:

- Father this is wine.

Father then burst:

- Praise the Lord, He's Done It Again!

A blonde, brunette and a redhead were all in a swimming race. They were supposed to swim the English Channel.

A group of spectators anxiously awaited the three women at the finish line. The brunette came in first, then the redhead a little later. They waited hours for the blonde to show up. When she finally did, they asked her what had taken her so long.

The blonde was very upset as she screamed:

- This was supposed to be a breast stroke race, and those girls were using their arms!!!

So I said:

- Hey man, that's my beer.

Then he says:

- No man, that's my beer.

Then the beers say:

- No man, we're our own beers.

That's when we realized we had too many beers.

1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"
3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"
4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
5. You drink pop, not soda.
6. You know what it means to be on pogey.
7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"
8. You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
9. You can drink legally while still a 'teen.
10. You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.
11. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
12. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.
13. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
14. You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!
15. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
16. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
17. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
18. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - that is some small town in Quebec!
19. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
20. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
21. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
22. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that"
23. You read rather than scanned this list.

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

- I'm afraid I don't have a husband - she replies.

- O.K. do you have a boyfriend? - asks the Midwife.

- No, no boyfriend either.

- Do you have a partner then?

- No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own.

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman:

- You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black

- Well - replies the girl.

- I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black.

- Oh, I'm very sorry - says the midwife.

- That's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.

- Well yes - the girl again replies.

- you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?

- Oh, I'm sorry - the midwife repeats.

- that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes.

- Well yes - continues the girl.

- I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims:

- Thank God for that!

- What do you mean? - says the midwife, shocked.

- WHEW! - says the girl extremely relieved...

- I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!