Worst jokes

How can you tell a blonde is under stress?
→ She's got her tampax behind one ear and she can't find her pen!

The Perfect Woman would say:

1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
5. God.. if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey.. our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother did a great job raising you.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully... our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. That was a great fart! Do another one!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...

1. If you go to your family reunion to pick up guys/women... You might be a Redneck.
2. If you have to bring up a can of paint to a water tower to defend your sister's honor... You might be a Redneck.
3. If you walk to school with your dad because you're in the same grade... You might be a Redneck.
4. If you smoke at your wedding... You might be a Redneck.
5. If your dog and wallet are both on a chain... You might be a Redneck.
6. And last but certainly not least, if you see a sign that says "Say No to Crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up... You might be a Redneck.

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as - "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday, there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so, currently, only, one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not suprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week, my secretary said to me:

- I'm a little nervous. I never put anything in MYASS before.

I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say:

- here, stick this in MYASS.

It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond:

- Here it is. I just pulled in out of MYASS.

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.

- Well - says the doctor:

- I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up.

- Oh, no. - the woman replies.

- I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back.

The doctor thinks for a second, then offers:

- There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear.

- That's what I want! - exclaims the lady.

- Let's do that.

Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office.

- Well, how's the procedure holding up? - the doctor asks.

- Terrible! - the lady bellows.

- It's the worst mistake I've ever made.

- What's wrong? - asks the doctor.

- Just look at these bags under my eyes! - she hollers.

- Lady - the doctor reports:

- those aren't bags, those are your boobs, and if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts:

- Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!

The panda yells back at the bartender:

- Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

- A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He noted that she stated that she had three sons, but only has one name listed, "Leroy".

- Yes - she replied.

- All three sons are named Leroy.

- Why would you do that? - inquired the government worker.

- It makes it much easier to get things done - was her reply.

- Leroy, time for bath.

And they all would get in the bath.

- Leroy, time for supper.

And they all would come to the table.

Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons.

- Oh that's easy - she replied.

- I just call them by their last name.

Ever walk into a room and forget what you came in for?

Well, that's probably how dogs spend most of their lives...

Seen in a bar near here: "We don't stand in your toilet, so please don't pee on our floor!"

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says:

- I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'

- But why? - asks the man.

- I'm a divorce lawyer - the man replies!