The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.
A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.
- Good lord, mister - he gasped, are you drunk?
- Of course - said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit.
- What the hell do you think I am...a stunt driver!
Donald Duck walked into a drugstore & asked for a packet of condoms.
- Certainly, sir - said the lady behind the counter, shall I put them on your bill?
- NO WAY! - replied Donald Duck, What do you think I am, a Dickhead?!
Top 10 signs you bought a bad christmas tree:
On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip.
As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations.
The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED.
He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door.
Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa --filled with rage-- threw open the door.
Standing there was a little angel who said:
- Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?
Hence...the story of the Angel atop the tree.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
→ You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Johnny was, by all accounts, the worst eight year old kid on earth. He stole, lied, beat-up his sister, just about any trouble this kid could get into, he did. Nonetheless, Johnny wanted a bicycle for Christmas.
Johnny goes to his mother and demands:
- Mom, for Christmas, I want a bicycle!
To this his mother replies:
- Yea, right, ... Santa's not comming to THIS house you little brat, you've stolen from all the neighbors, shoplifted, beat-up kids at school, you'll be lucky if you even get a lump of coal.
Enraged, Johnny storms up to his room. After about an hour, he decides he will appeal his case to God. So he grabs a tablet and starts to write his letter to God.
Dear God, If I get a bicycle for Christmas, I will never steal again... "No, that won't work. God will know I'm lying." So he tears up this letter and starts again.
Dear God, If I get a bicycle for Christmas, I'll wash Mom's dishes for all year... "No, that won't work. God will know I'm lying." So he tears up this letter and starts again.
Evenually, Johnny uses up the entire tablet and has only one sheet left but still no letter to God. Then it hits him. He runs out of the house and down to the church. In the church, he finds the Madona and snatches it, runs home, and hides it under the bed. Then he writes:
Dear God, If you ever want to see your mother again, have Santa Claus deliver a bicycle to my house on Christmas...
A few years ago, we invited some friends over for a Christmas party. Many of my colleagues were there, and many of them are German. Helmut, Franz, and Rudolf were there.
I was talking to Rudolf about his belief in the superiority of the communist party. I grew tired of the discussion so I motioned towards the window and commented on the weather:
- I believe it's snowing.
- No, it looks too wet to be snow - he said.
The argument went back and forth for a few minutes: rain, snow, rain, snow...
Then my wife came over and settled the argument for us. She said:
- Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!
Once Santa Claus went to Ethiopia, to give the children some words of confort.
He was there, with all those bony kids all around, and then they started yelling:
- WE WANT TOYS!! WE WANT TOYS!!!
But then Santa, remembering his important job of orientating children to behave well, said:
- A child who doesn't eat right doesn't get toys!!!
Top 10 signs Santa doesn't like your kid:
- Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you!
- Off my lap, Tubby!
The FBI puts an Ad in the newspaper, "Wanted FBI agents." After sorting through all the applicants they narrow it down to three. They bring the first in for an interview and the interviewing agent says to the gentleman:
- We are the FBI, we solemnly do the duty of the country and always put the country before ourselves. Anything asked of us, we must do. Whether we like it or not. All our agents must be totally loyal.
The guy responds that he always wanted to be an FBI agent and it has been his dream.
The agent then pulls out a gun and puts it on the table:
- Please, go into the next room where your wife is and shoot her.
The gentleman gets a repulsed look upon his face:
- I can't do that. She is my wife and I love her with all my heart!
The agent than says that he just isn't FBI material, but thanks him for coming down.
They then bring in the second man. The agent goes over the speel of loyalty for the country above all else.
- I always wanted to be an agent, my lifelong goal it was ever since I was a school boy - he replies.
The agent than proceeds to pull out the gun and place it on the table:
- Please, go into the next room and shoot your wife - FBI agent says, calmly.
The man than replies:
- I can't do that, although we have our problems, I can't kill her. She is the mother of my three kids...she's just too important.
The agent offers his respect, but with regret tells him that he just isn't FBI material.
Finally, the third gentleman is brought in. They go over the speel and the agent puts the gun on the table and asks him to go shoot his wife. The man nods, takes the gun and enters the next room.
Five or six shots are heard and then are proceeded by sounds of things slamming into the wall, tables splintering and shattering, muffled screams and metal bending. The FBI agent runs to the room with astonishment and confusion on his face.
- What did you do?
The man calmly replies:
- The gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat her to death with a chair!
