Worst jokes

What do you call 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
→ A good start!

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear: No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said:

- Halt, who goes there?

The chauffeur, a corporal, says:

- General Wheeler.

- I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield.

The general said:

- Drive on!

The sentry said:

- Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.

The general repeated:

- I'm telling you, son, drive on!

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said:

- General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend:

- Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see!

- I see millions of stars - Watson said.

- What does that tell you? - Holmes asked.

Watson replied:

- Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?

- Watson, you idiot - he said.

- Someone has stolen our tent!

Clarification Of Corporate Lingo

Employer's Lingo

• "COMPETITIVE SALARY" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
• "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" - We have no time to train you.
• "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" - We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
• "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" - You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
• "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" - Some time each night and some time each weekend.
• "DUTIES WILL VARY" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.
• "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" - We have no quality control.
• "CAREER-MINDED" - Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
• "APPLY IN PERSON" - If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
• "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" - We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
• "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" - You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
• "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" - You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
• "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" - You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
• "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" - Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Employee's Lingo

• "I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" - I've used Microsoft Office.
• "I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE" - I pilfer office supplies.
• "MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES" - I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
• "I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK" - I blame others for my mistakes.
• "I'M PERSONABLE" - I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
• "I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL" - I carry a Day-Timer.
• "I AM ADAPTABLE" - I've changed jobs a lot.
• "I AM ON THE GO" - I'm never at my desk.
• "I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED" - The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
→ It doesn't last long enough!

How to Annoy People at Work

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. Practice making fax and modem noises.
3. During meetings, disassemble your pen and "accidentaly" flip the cartridge across the room.
4. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
5. ALWAYS TYPE WITH CAPS-LOCK ON
6. type only in lower case.
7. dontuseanypunctuationorspaceseither
8. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
10. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook.

Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

What's the difference between greeting royalty and greeting President Clinton?
→ You only go down on one knee to greet royalty!

TRAFFIC JAM

A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself:

- Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving.

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks:

- Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?

The Officer replies:

- The President just found out Starr has delivered another report to Congress and he's all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him.

- Oh really? How much have you collected so far?

- I've got a lot of folks still siphoning; but right now I have about three hundred gallons.

Your mamma's so fat when she wears a yellow rain coast outside I yell "TAXI!"

Why does Clinton play the saxophone?
→ 'Cause he can no longer play with his 'hore-monica!