Worst jokes

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time. The first one said:

- You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up.

The second one said:

- No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared.

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said:

- Now THAT'S a good date!!

What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
→ A liquor cabinet.

A man and his son were traveling to the bank one Saturday morning when they stopped at a corner. The little boy hearing a "Beep.. Beep.. Beep" and ask his dad where the sound was coming from.

His dad replied that the sound was comming from a near by dump truck that was backing up and that sound was to warn people behind it to get out of the way.

When they arrived at the bank the lines were long (as usual) and so they got into one of the lines behind a rather large lady.

All of a sudden another man's beeper started to go off and the little boy with fear in his eyes said:

- Look out dad she's backing up!

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.

Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.

They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.

About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally:

- I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought.

Sally replied:

- I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left.

Yo mama's so poor she wears her McDonald's uniform to church

Yo mama's so poor, I walked into her house and swatted a fly, she yelled:

- Hey where'd grandma go?!?!?!

Yo mama's so poor when I went to her house and asked to use the bathroom, she said:

- Two trees to your left

Yo mama's so poor when she heard about the last supper, she thought she ran out of food stamps.

A Pastor was walking past a pet shop one day when he noticed a sign in the window:

- Christian Horse for Sale.

Being that the Pastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately interested, and went into the shop.

The owner took the Pastor out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion. He agreed to allow the Pastor to take a "test run."

The Pastor grabbed the reins.

- giddyap.

The horse ignored him.

- no, no - counseled the owner.

- This is a Christian horse. If you want him to move, you must say, "Praise the Lord!"

The Pastor did as he was told, and the horse started off on a leisurely walk. However, he soon found that the horse would not stop.

- He won't answer to 'Whoa' - said the owner.

- It's "Amen."

The Pastor decided that he liked the horse, so he bought him and took him home to his ranch in the country. He saddled the horse up again, said:

- Praise the Lord - and went riding into the countryside.

Suddenly, the horse saw a rattlesnake crossing the path. Frightened, he reared and bolted straight for a cliff.

The Pastor cried:

- whoa!

but the horse only ran faster. In vain, he tried one word after another. Finally, he remembered the correct command and screamed:

- AMEN!!!!!

just as the horse approached the edge of the cliff.

The Pastor was so thrilled that his life had been saved that he raised his hands to the sky and shouted:

- PRAISE THE LORD!

How do you make a dead baby float?
→ Two scoops of ice cream and one scoop of dead baby.

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest:

- Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.

The priest said:

- Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?

- Never Father, I'm Jewish.

- So then, why are you telling me?

- Because I'm telling everybody!

Sven and Olie died and went to Hell. After awhile, the Devil came by to see how his new guests were doing. To his amazement, he found Sven and Olie were still wearing their winter gear and seemed to be quite comfortable. The Devil asked why they weren't hot.

Olie replied:

- We come from Minnesota where it's always cold. This is feeling pretty good to us.

This upset the Devil, so he turned up the thermostat. Awhile later the Devil looked in again on Sven and Olie. To his surprise he found they were still wearing their winter gear. The Devil questioned them on it again.

- You have to remember that we are from Minnesota and it's very, very cold there. This is feeling nice to us.

The Devil was even madder at this, so he turned the thermostat all the way up to maximum temperature. The Devil waited some time and then went back to Sven and Olie. This time he found they had only unzipped their coats, but still had all their winter clothes on. The Devil couldn't understand what was going on. The punishment down here was supposed to be the unbearable heat. It wasn't working on these two. He had to ask again what the deal was. Sven replied:

- We are Minnesotans and we just got over a freezing winter. This is really great for Olie and Me.

A light flickered in the Devil's mind. He went to the thermostat and turned it off. He thought if the heat wasn't a punishment, maybe he'd give them some freezing temperatures. A little while later the Devil came back to check in on Sven and Olie only to find them cheering and giving each other high fives, happier than ever! The Devil questioned them on their actions and Sven said happily:

- Back home they always said, the Vikings will win the Super Bowl when Hell freezes over!!!

A doctor came to the mental hospital to visit his patients. In one of the rooms, he saw a man walking around, dragging a toothbrush on a leash.

The doctor asked the man:

- What are you doing, walking the dog?

The man replied:

- Oh no, I'm just dragging my toothbrush on a leash.

The doctor left the room amazed, thinking how many normal people end up in mental institutions...

And the man said to his toothbrush:

- Ha, Fifi, we tricked him!