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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him:

- I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied:

- You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said...:

- Paint my house.

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Yesterday

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.

Now my database has gone away.

Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.

I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

Songs to program by...

Eleanor Rigby

Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.

What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?

Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while...

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.

Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Unix Man (Nowhere Man)

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.

Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?

UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.

He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me
At all?

UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody ...

Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.

Write in C ("Let it Be")

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:

- Write in C.

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:

- Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.

Try using it for graphics!

Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.

Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.

Write in C.

Something

Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!

Something in the way it coredumps...

I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow
Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.

Stepping in the debugger will show me...

I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now
You're asking me can this code go?

I don't know, I don't know...

What sequence causes it to blow?

I don't know, I don't know...

Something in the initializing code?

And all I have to do is think of it!

Something in the listing will show me...

I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!

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TO MY DEAR WIFE,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

  • 54 times the sheets were clean
  • 17 times it was too late
  • 49 times you were too tired
  • 20 times it was too hot
  • 5 times you pretended to be asleep
  • 22 times you had a headache
  • 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
  • 16 times you said you were too sore
  • 12 times it was the wrong time of the month
  • 19 times you had to get up early
  • 9 times you said weren't in the mood
  • 7 times you were sunburned
  • 6 times you were watching the late show
  • 5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
  • 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
  • 9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

  • 6 times you just laid there,
  • 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
  • 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
  • 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished,
  • and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

  • 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
  • 36 times you did not come home at all
  • 21 times you didn't cum
  • 33 times you came too soon
  • 19 times you went soft before you got in
  • 38 times you worked too late
  • 10 times you got cramps in your toes
  • 29 times you had to get up early to play golf
  • 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
  • 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
  • 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
  • 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
  • 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
  • 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
  • 98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV.

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was:

- would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

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