Worst jokes

TOP TEN things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
11. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
12. See if they could finally do the splits.
13. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
14. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
15. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes... BEFORE closing time.
16. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
17. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
18. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
19. And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina...

Finally find that damned G-spot.

TOP TEN things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
11. Get a blow job.
12. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
13. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
14. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
15. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
16. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought to how improper it may seem.
17. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
18. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
19. And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...

REPEAT NUMBER 'NINE'.

An American, an Australian and an Irishman were stranded on an island for several days. One day a bottle washed ashore and when they picked it up, a genie rushed out. Oh masters, he said. For releasing me from this bottle you will each have one wish. The American said: I wish to be surrounded by a bevy of beautiful girls in Waikiki beach. Whoosh, the American was gone to Hawaii. The Australian said: I wish to be in a casino in the Australian Gold Coast. Whoosh, and off he went. The Irishman could not decide what he wanted. After a long time, he said: Gee, it's very lonely here on this island. I wish my friends were back here!

A bronzed, blonde male surfer type was visiting Boston to attend a friend's wedding. Sitting at the bar at the reception, sucking up his fourth beer, he caught sight of a stunning brunette, whom he had noticed earlier in the church, as she came through the door. His eyes never left her until she was seated on the other side of the bar from him. He got up, slowly walked around the bar to where she was sitting. After pausing on his approach for her to look over his magnificent tanned body, he recited one of his better lines and then bluntly asked if she wanted to 'leave this dump' and go to his hotel room to "Ya know, get to, like, know each other better." She rolled her eyes in disbelief, immediately responding with, "I'm afraid that my awareness of your proclivities regarding the esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes any such erotic confrontation." He stared blankly at her, somewhat stunned. After several seconds of embarassed silence, he finaly admitted, "Huh? I don't get it!" "Exactly!" she said as she got up, turned on her heel, and left, leaving him standing there in puzzlement.

There was an elderly couple that was on their way for a 2 week vacation on a carribean cruise. The wife, unfortunately, forgot her hearing aides at home...

Upon arriving to the cabin that was to be theirs during the trip, they noticed that it had 2 bunk beds. So, as they were retiring for the first nite, the husband says to his wife:

- Up, or down?

The wife inexplicably removes all her clothing and makes love to her husband all nite long.

The next nite, the husband wonders if he'll get lucky again... So, he says to his wife:

- Up, or down?

She again removes all her clothing and makes love to him all nite long.

This continues for 2 glorious weeks.

When they arrive home from their trip, the wife retrieves her hearing aides. As they retire for the first nite home, the husband decides to try the magic words again...:

- Up, or down?

His wife says:

- What?

To which he replies:

- During the whole trip, my dear, I said those words every nite and you took off all your clothes and made love to me all nite long.

The wife says:

- Ooooh, I thought you said 'Fuck, or drown!'

- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

- A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

- It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

- Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

- When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

- A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

- When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late.

- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

- Duplos will not.

- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

- Super glue is forever.

- McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. Ditto Tarzan.

- No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

- Pool filters do not like Jello.

- VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

- You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

- Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

- Plastic toys do not like ovens.

- Your fire department in has at least a 5 minute response time.

- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

- It will however make cats dizzy.

- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

- Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.

- A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

- 2:00 AM is not a good time to hear:

- Daddy, diapers don't flush!

- No time is a good time to hear:

- Daddy, your tires are 'hisssssing.'

- You never want to hear, "Watch me fly!" coming from the roof.

- Nor do you want to hear:

- Your new cell phone doesn't work underwater.

- Driveway seal coating and children DO NOT MIX!

- Never light fireworks inside.

- Under the bed is not a good place to save snowballs for summer.

- Daddy's shoe is not a good home for a pet tarantula.

- Hiding uneaten vegetables in daddy's shoes is not good.

- Bugs are not a dietary supplement.

- Walnuts make the blender act funny.

- Scissors and hair are often a dangerous combination.

- Collecting things is good.

- Collecting things that come out of your nose is not.

- Eating string is a bad hobby.

- Discovering string the next day is a disgusting hobby.

- Finger painting is good.

- Finger painting walls is dangerous.

- If you hear the words:

- Can ya eat a lizard's tail? It's too late!

- If you hear the words:

- Guess what's in my hands. You don't want to know.

- If you hear the words:

- Guess what's in my mouth. You REALLY don't want to know!

- 'Fan' and 'flour' should never be heard in the same sentence.

- The toilet does not make a permanent fish aquarium.

- Most toilets can not consume an entire roll of toilet paper without choking.

- Any sentence which contains the word 'Oooops' is bad.

- Any sentence beginning with, "How much do you love me?" means 'prepare for bad news'.

- Throwing daddy's wallet in the trash compactor can change his mood.

- Opening all 24 of daddy's cans of beer is a bad idea.

- Hiding parts of daddy's computer can make your butt hurt.

- Lipstick on the TV screen changes mommy's mood.

- Fish can not use a remote control, even if placed in their tank.

- "Why do fish float?" means trouble.

- Any sentence beginning with, "When [your pet's name] dies..." is never a good sign.

- Setting the hamsters free changes the cat's mood.

- Cats do not like to be wrapped in duct tape.

- Cats get even.

Do you know why the Texas Aggies use artificial turf in their football stadium?
→ It helps stop their cheerleaders from grazing!

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as "Brown-n-Serve," Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.

Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. He enjoyed being prodded by his many friends who invariably poked fun at him.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat STANDING upright underneath on the floor of the cave. Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow:

- What the heck are you doing down there?

And the fellow shouts back:

- Yoga!

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT:

- What starting salary were you looking for?

The engineer replied:

- In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.

The interviewer said:

- Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?

The Engineer sat up straight and said:

- Wow! Are you kidding?

The interviewer replied:

- Well Yeah, but you started it.