Worst jokes

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One night when a boy prayed to god, the boy asked god: How Long is 1 million years to you?

God replies 1 second.

The Boy asked God: How much is 1 million dollars to you?

God replies 1 penny.

Then the boy asked god if he could have a penny.

God replies...sure:

- gimme 1 second.

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him, Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if ask how you got yours?

- Other guy: Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with huge, huge breasts was there. So, instead of saying I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh. She socked me one.

- First guy: Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: "Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties." But I accidentally said: "You ruined my life you fucking bitch!"

An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta.

As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached toward him for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself.

- I'm sorry sir, - she said politely - but you have to show your ticket; not your STUB.

A foreman at a construction site gathers three of his workers: an Irishman, an Italian and a Chinese. He says to the Irishman, "you're in charge of Sweeping, I want this whole area swept up before I get back". He says to the Italian, "You're in charge of shoveling. I want that pile shoveled into the truck so they can haul it away." He says to the Chinaman, "You're in charge of supplies. No make sure that all gets done before I get back." Three hours later, he returns and none of the work is done. The Irishman says, "I couldnt find a broom. You left the Chinaman in charge of supplies and he disappeared." The Italian says "And I couldn't find a shovel". So the forman starts walking and looking for the chinaman. Just then, the Chinaman jumps out from behind a pillar and screams "SUPPLIES!!"

2 people walk into a bar. The third one ducked.

What do you call a prostitute covered in tattoos?
→ The Scenic Root.

Why is 6 scared of 7?
→ Because 7 ate nine! (7, 8, 9)

What did the bird say when his cage fell apart?
→ Cheap-Cheap

God and Moses were out golfing. They were both doing well. Then they came up to the 5th hole. It was a dogleg to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and hit a long shot with a little hook. Right in the middle of the fairway. Then God got up and pulled out his driver. Then Moses said:

- God, everytime you use you driver you always slice it.

So God said:

- If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it.

So he approched the ball. Got ready, then hit a long one. It drifted to the right, SPLISH! Right in the middle of the lake. So Moses said:

- See God, I told you that would happen. I'll get it this time but you'll have to get it next time.

So Moses went out to the lake, held up his club, and parted the lake. Then he went down, picked up the ball, and came back.

After that, everything was going fine. Until the 18th hole, straight away, with a long lake on the right. Moses hit a nice straight shot down the fairway. Then God took out his driver. Moses said:

- God, last time you used your driver you sliced it. You always slice it.

And God repeated:

- If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it.

So he got up, and hit the ball. Long hard shot, sliced, PLUNK! Moses said:

- I got the last one.

So God walked on the water, bent over, picked up the ball.

About this time there was a foursome coming up behind them. One if the guys saw what God was doing and asked Moses:

- Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?

Moses replied:

- No. He thinks he's Arnold Palmer.