War — worst jokes

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He wentthough the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higherand higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from anairplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him thenews. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you whathappened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the doorand asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked outof the plane!" Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet.

Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throwthem out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father. "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last manleft on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. Hetold be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt." "So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. TheJump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.

He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?? I said, `No, sir.

I?m too scared.? So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and tookhis penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big aroundas a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, orI?m sticking this little baby up your ass.?" "So, did you jump?"asked the father. "Well, a little, at first.

During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing. The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?"

The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator. As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The navigator told him.

The captain replied, "Well, you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!"

The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many Generals, so they decided to offer early retirement to three of them. They called Congress and asked them to voteon a method of determining each General's early retirementbonus. After voting Congress decided that each man would choose two points of their body to measure between and then each man would be paid $10,000 per inch. They called in the first General. He decide to havethem measure from the top of his head to the bottom of hisfeet. Upon measuring it to 6 feet, they paid him $720,000. The next General, thinking a little bit more, stretchedhis arms above his head, and asked them to measure from thetips of his fingers, to the bottom of his feet. After measuring 8 feet, they paid him $960,000. The next General, with a smug look on his face, asked them to measure from the tip of his penis to the bottom ofhis balls. Congress decided to call in a medical officer.

The medical officer asked the General to drop his pants. The medical officer lifted the General's penis to make themeasurement, but instead he exclaimed, "Good God man, whereare your balls!!" With a smile the General said, "I left them in Vietnam."

Sent by Sparky and Wife

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his firstassignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervousyoung Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute,and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the saluteand said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going todisagree with the General, so the he saluted again andreplied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about astormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing.

Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just aprivate, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever,the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said"Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

During an Army war game, a commanding officer'sjeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some menlounging around nearby and asked them to helphim get unstuck. "Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we'vebeen classified dead and the umpire said we couldn'tcontribute in any way." The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag acouple of those dead bodies over here and throw themunder the wheels to give us some traction."

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamedof working since a young boy. He was trying to impressthe Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir',it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two.

If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

Following some duty overseas, the officers at the Fort were planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit. Being an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds from some of the surrounding colleges to attend.

The Captain called Vassar and was assured by the Dean that arrangements could be made to send over a dozen of their most trustworthy students.

The Captain hesitated, then said, "Would it also be possible to send a dozen or so of the other kind ?"

The Master Chief was inspecting the barracks and heoverheard one terrified recruit whisper, "Master Chief Barneshas the heart of a tiny child . . . on his desk . . . in a jar."

Without missing a beat, Master Chief Barnes snarled, "Goddamned if they don't find out EVERY little thing aboutyou!"

Young Amanpreet never quite got over his miserable childhood as an orphan in the ghetto. When he turned 18 hejoined the Marines, but old habits die hard and one night thesergeant found him rummaging around the garbage and eatingout of the discarded cans and jars.

"On your free, Lizard Pecker," he bellowed. "You'll eat in the message hall -- you're no better than the rest of us!"

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddyback road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" askedthe lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him thekeys, "Yours is."