Situations — worst jokes

A fellow getting a shave asked the barber if he had another razor. "Why?" asked the barber, "Is there something wrong with this one?"

"I don't know." replied the customer. "But I would appreciate a chance to defend myself."

Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands corrected as follows: "For sale R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000.00 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000.00, and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door:

Congratulations! You've won one free game of Toilet Tennis! Look Left.

You look left and it reads:

Look Right

You look right and it reads:

Look Left...

There was this fisherman that always had a good day fishing. His friend, the game warden, couldn't figure out how he did it, so one day the game warden decided to go fishing with his friend. The fisherman took his friend the warden out to his favorite spot. Once there, the fisherman took a stick of dynamite out of his backpack, lit it, and threw it into the water. The dynamite exploded and a dozen fish floated to the top. The game warden said, "That's illegal, you can't do that."

The fisherman goes, "Really?" He then lights another stick of dynamite and throws it into the water. The dynamite exploded, and a dozen more fish floated to the top. The game warden said, "Stop that now, and take this boat back to shore...

I'm going to have to give you a citation and confiscate all your gear." The fisherman said, "Oh, really?" He then lights another stick of dynamite, throws it into the game warden's lap, and said "You gonna sit there and keep flapping your trap, or are you gonna fish?"

So you don't know Jack Schitt

He's the only son of Awh Schitt and Oh Schitt.

Awh Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spice number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt. So now you know Jack Schitt.

YOU KNOW WHEN THE POST OFFICE IS HIRING WHEN THE FLAG OUT FRONT IS AT HALF MAST.
THE POSTAL WORKERS WANT HAZZARD PAY AND WORKERS COMP FOR SLIPPING ON SHELL CASINGS

• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
• A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies
• If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep
• Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
• Super glue is forever
• McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know
• No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water
• Pool filters do not like Jello
• VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on
• The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
• It will however make cats dizzy
• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy

• OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
• FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
• LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
• AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
• NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
• SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
• RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.