Situations — worst jokes

Joe, the neighborhood chronic borrower approached his neighbor, "Ray, may I borrow your axe?" "Not today," Ray replied, "I have to make soup."

"What kind of excuse it that?!" demanded Joe. "Well," confessed Ray, "I admit its a lousy excuse. But, if I don't want to loan you my axe, one excuse is as good as another."

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage. The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried. The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

BREAKFAST

• 1/2 grapefruit
• 1 slice whole wheat toast
• 8 oz glass skim milk

LUNCH

• 4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
• 1 cup steamed zucchini
• 1 Oreo cookie

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK

• rest of the package of Oreo cookies
• 1 quart Rocky Road ice cream
• 1 jar hot fudge

DINNER

• 2 loaves garlic bread
• 1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
• 1 large pitcher of beer
• 3 Milky Way candy bars
• 1 entire cheesecake

DIET TIPS

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories. These include any chocolate used for energy, brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream.
5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage causes the calories to leak out.
6. If you eat food from someone else's plate, the calories don't count.
7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because they are part of the entertainment, and not ones of personal fuel.

A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: "Come and bury my wife."

"But I buried your wife ten years ago," replied the undertaker.

"I got married again," the man sobbed.

"Oh," said the undertaker. "Congratulations."

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.

With a low voice he sad to his wife, "Maude, when I'm dead and gone... I want you to marry farmer Jones."

"Oh no, I couldn't marry anyone after you!" Maude replies.

"But I want you to, Maude."

"But why?" Maude asks.

"Because that no good son of a bitch once cheated me in a horse trade!"

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
→ Outlaws are wanted.

A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child. "Congratulations," said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?" The woman replied, "Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year."

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guessed.

"One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna be weighed," she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy," said the girl.

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here lies my wife.....cold as ever" Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: "Here lies my husband.....stiff at last"