Sex Jokes — worst jokes

There was a retarded duck farmer who had 2 sons, but only enough money to send one to college. So he came up with a fair way to choose who was to get the money. He called both of his sons into a room and gave them each a retarded duck and instructed them to go into the city. The one who made the most off the duck would win the money for college.

Well the first child, being the good child he was, scurried off to sell his duck. As he was walking, he saw a lady mowing her lawn. She jumped up from the mower and screamed, "IS THAT A RETARDED DUCK?!?" It sure is he replyed, and its for sale too! She said that she collected retarded ducks and would gladly pay him $10 for that duck, he agreed.

Well the other son being the "bad" kid went strait for the whore house. When he got there, a lady started hittin on him. He said he'd love to fuck her but he doesnt have any money, just this retarded duck. She thought about it for awhile and said, well I always did want a pet. So they go in the back and have "mad passionate animal sex." When they were done, the lady said she didn't want the duck anymore. He said he would gladly take the duck back if he could fuck her again, so they went at it again. The guy was pretty happy by now so he runs on home, he ran so fast that the duck got away from him and ran out in front of a car and got hit. The duck was clearly dead, so the lady being in the hurry that she was, gave the young man $25 compensation for the dead duck, then she sped off in her car.

When the two finally got home, the father once again called them into a room and said, "How much did you make," looking at his "good" son. The "good" son said $10, with a modest look on his face.

Then the dad glared at his other son and said, "How about you?" The bad son said, "well... I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up duck!"

Once upon a time in a place where little sperms grow, there was a super jock sperm who spent all his time working out. He did things like lifting weights and running, his most important duty. All the other sperm were very curious about his pastimes.

"Why do you keep working out all the time," they asked.

"Well," he said, "Of all us sperms, only one of us is going to make it to the egg. And that is going to be me." Well, the other sperms just floated around waiting for the day to cum (pardon the expression). And it did, and they were off! All those sperms racing along and far out in front of them was the super jock sperm, racing so fast and so hard (ha HA) that they couldn't see him any more, but they still kept cumming.

Alas, then, away in the distance, they heard a loud piercing scream. They still kept cumming though.

And then very shortly the super sperm appeared, screaming with all his might, "Go back, Go Back! IT'S A BLOW JOB!"

This guy walks in to a bathroom. There is a hole in the wall, and a sign that says "put your dick in here, we'll do what your wife does for you". So the guy puts his dick in there, and they sew a button on it.

What would you call a virgin on a water bed?
→ A cherry float!

Jessica was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates... "I know you haven't been getting much lately...but I didn't know you were so worried about it!"

If a light sleeper sleeps lighter with the light on, does a hard sleeper sleep harder with a hard on?

I recently tried some of these new 'flavoured' condoms. I bought one of each flavour they had, and tried each one in turn every time i got a shag. My girlfriend likes to lick each one before i insert it in her, just to see what flavour i was wearing.

The first night she said "Mmmmm, Cherry flavour", The second night she said "Mmmmm, Mint flavour", The third night she said "Mmmmm, Strawberry flavour", and so on, until we had reached the final flavour, and she said "Mmmmm, Cheese flavour"

"Cheese flavour ??" i said "I haven't put one on yet!"

Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms.

The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he has to listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting, "One, two three, uhh... one, two three, uhh..."

In the morning, the second dwarf says to the first dwarf, "So how was it?"

The first dwarf says, "It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night."

The second dwarf says, "You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the fucking bed."

What does it mean when two lesbians make love?
→ It doesn't mean dick.

A couple on their honeymoon woke up after their big night.

The bride rolled over and said, "That was nice but tell me, what did my pussy look like before you rooted it?"

The husband replied "Like a beautiful rose with drops of dew on it."

"That's nice honey" she replied, "What did it look like after you rooted it?"

"Like a bulldog eating porridge" the husband replied.