Sex Jokes — worst jokes

TOP 10 REASONS HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX...

10. YOU GO IN 1-2 MINUTE SHIFTS
11. THE PUCK IS ALWAYS HARD
12. THE PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT IS REUSABLE
13. IT LASTS A FULL HOUR
14. YOU KNOW YOU ARE FINISHED WHEN THE BUZZER SOUNDS
15. YOUR PARENTS CHEER WHEN YOU SCORE
16. A 2 ON 1 OR 3 ON 1 IS NOT UNCOMMON
17. IT IS LEGAL TO PLAY PROFESSIONALLY
18. YOU CAN COUNT ON IT AT LEAST TWICE A WEEK
19. PERIODS ONLY LAST 20 MINUTES

TOP 10 REASONS BASEBALL IS BETTER THAN SEX...

10. IT IS LEGAL TO PLAY PROFESSIONALLY
11. YOU CAN COUNT ON IT AT LEAST 4 TIMES A WEEK
12. YOU HAVE A COACH TO TELL YOU WHEN TO ADVANCE
13. WHEN YOU ARE TIRED, YOU ALWAYS GET RELIEVED
14. IF YOU STRIKE OUT ONCE, YOU STILL HAVE AT LEAST 2 MORE TIMES TO GET A HIT
15. UP TO 4 PEOPLE CAN SCORE AT ONCE
16. POP UPS ARE FREQUENT
17. 30,000 PEOPLE CHEER WHEN YOU SCORE
18. AFTER 7 INNINGS, YOU GET TO STRETCH
19. YOU CAN GET A HOMERUN WITHOUT ANY FOREPLAY

President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"Bill, da Canadian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'help you," replied the Prime Minister.

"I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Certainment! I get right on it!" said Chretien.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Clinton.

"Oui?"

"Could the condoms be red, white & blue in color, at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Clinton.

"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan Condoms.

"I need a favor, you got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send 'dem to Hamerica."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, dey hab to be bleu, blanc et rouge in colour; at least 10" long and 4" in diameter."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yah," said the Prime Minister, "an' print 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

Have you heard the one about the homosexual who wanted to enlarge the circle of his friends?

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the night'. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree.

He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis?

• Mypenis ate my homework.
• Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
• Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
• I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
• Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
• Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
• I love giving Mypenis a bath.
• At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.
• Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
• Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.
• Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
• Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
• Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
• I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
• I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
• Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
• I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
• Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
• If Mypenis was a weiner dog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry.
• Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.
• Help! I can't find Mypenis!
• Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
• Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
• Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
• Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!
• Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis.
• When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.
• Stop kicking Mypenis.
• When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown.
• Mypenis is truly man's best friend.
• Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease.
• People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when standing at attention.
• Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer.
• There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis.
• I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.
• Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.
• Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis.
• Sorry I'm late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night...

What is a man's idea of safe sex?
→ A padded headboard.

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

Why does it take 100 sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
→ Because men won't stop for directions!

What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
→ A penis gives hours of fun, and a prick owns the penis.