Sex Jokes — worst jokes

What does a camera and a condom have in common?
→ They both capture that magic moment.

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there." That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look." The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her.

Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine." Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...

I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."

Judi and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.

Brunette: Last night I had three orgasms in a row!

Judi: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.

Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.

Judi: (looking shocked) Oh, you mean with one guy.

There are thousands of sex phone lines for men but only a few for women.

This is because if a women wants someone to talk dirty to her she can just go to work.

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back, they go for it.

After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doc says, "I bet you are a surgeon."

She confirms, and asks how he knew.

"Easy, he said, you're always washing your hands."

"That's very clever!" she says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."

"Wow, how did you guess?" he asked.

"I didn't feel a thing!" she replied.

A guy worked in an adult book store. One afternoon his friend walked in. The guy said, "Dude, thank goodness you showed up!" "I'm starving, and I need you to watch the counter for me for a few minutes, while I run across the street to get some lunch."

The friend looked around the store, then looked back at his friend oddly. The guy said, "Dude, don't ask any questions, just sell it to em." The friend said, "Ok". So the guy left.

A customer came in, and went up to the counter. She said, "I want a vibrator. What do you have?"

The friend said, "We got red ones, white ones, black ones, big ones, little ones and medium sized ones."

The lady said, "I'll take a little red one to carry in my bag." He sold it to her.

Another woman walked in. She approached the counter and said, "I would like a vibrator, what do you have?"

The friend replied, "Red, black or white, large, medium or small."

The woman asked, "Well, what about the red, white and black checkered one up there?"

The friend said, "Well, I'll sell it to ya if you want," so she bought it.

A few minutes later the guy came back from lunch and said, "Thanks Dude, you're a life saver. So did you sell anything?"

The friend said, "Yeah, I sold a little red vibrator and a thermos."

A guy's car breaks down in the middle of town, and he looks for a hotel to stay in while he waits for his car to be fixed. He finds a very small hotel and walks in.

He asks the man at the counter, "Do you have any rooms available?"

The man at the counter says, "Yeah, but don't stick your dick in the 3 holes."

"OK." The guy agrees and walks to his room. A couple of days go by and his car is still in the shop. He gets curious and sticks his dick in the first hole. He says, "Ahh, that feels good!" Then he sticks his dick in the second hole, "Ahh, that feels even better!" Then he sticks his dick in the third hole, "OUCH!! My dick!!"

He quickly pulled his dick out and it was all bloody. He was very confused, but he went to sleep. The next day he went to the counter to see what was in the holes, but before he could ask anything the man at the counter said, "You stuck your dick in the three holes didn't you?"

He said, "Yeah, how did you know?" The man at the counter said, "Well, my wife is pregnant, my daughter is pregnant, and my pencil sharpener is broken."

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" One student asked, "How much for a season pass?"

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.

The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were newlyweds. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over." The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde. To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house, and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to watch a movie. His manhood starts to bother him again so he excuses himself, goes into the kitchen, pours a glass of milk and immerses himself for immediate relief. The blonde, however, wanted to know what he was doing and walks in on him with his Johnson in the milk and exclaims, "So that's how you guys load those things!"