Religion — worst jokes

A new bellringer was needed for Notre Dame Cathedral to replace Quasimoto, the hunchback. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up to the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop ran down the long series of steps to the bottom of the cathedral, then rushed out to the man's side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell." But wait...there's more!

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia word for you!), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet and began to create the most wonderful sounds to be heard. When he had finished, he turned to the bishop, groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first asked breathlessly, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"

A young Catholic priest decided to enter a monastery. He joined one particularly strict sect. The head monk told him, at his indoctrination, that they were sworn to TOTAL silence. They could not speak one word at all. However, every ten years, they would be permitted to speak two words.

After 10 years of total silence, the head monk indicated it was now time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "Bed hard!" And then he resumed his silent study and work.

Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "Food bad!" And then he resumed his silent study and work.

Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "I quit!"

The head monk shook his head and said, "I knew this was coming. You've done nothing but complain for the past 30 years!"

Why did God give deers eyes?
→ I have no eye-deer!

A visitor to the vatican met with the Pope and noticed a red phone sitting on his desk.

"What's that for?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the direct line to the Lord" said the Pope.

The visitor said, "Wow, how much is a call?"

The Pope answered, "$2,000 per minute."

A few days later the same visitor met the Israeli Prime Minister and noticed a red phone on his desk.

"What's that for?", he asked. "Oh, that's the direct line to the Lord" said the Prime Minister.

The visitor asked "How much is a call?"

The Prime Minister said "20 cents per minute."

The astonsished visitor said, "It can't be. I just saw the Pope who said a call to the Lord is $2,000 per minute."

The Prime Minister answered, "That was long distance, here the Lord is just a local call."

What is the difference in a Knights of Columbus and a Shriner?
→ A Knight is once a knight, always a Knight and the Shriners argue that once a night is enough for anyone!

You know how Princess Diana and Mother Theresa died around about the same time? Well they both went up to heaven. St. Peter met them at the entrance to the pearly gates. He said "You both must show me something to prove your worth, going into heaven."

Mother Theresa went first. She walked up to St. Peter and lifted her habit and flashed her breasts at him.

He said "okay. Princess Di?"

Princess Di smiled and walked over into the corner, did a squat and pissed. St. Peter gave it careful consideration.

Finally he decided. "Princess Di. You're in. Sorry Mother Theresa, but a Royal Flush, beats two of a kind!!!!!"

A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds that St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch. He walks up to it and sees "Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue." He doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading: "Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So he does.

Up pops a screen which reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields include "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food."

The man enters his name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."

Up pops another screen which reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?" So the man clicks the button marked "Yes."

A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the man spends some time filling it out. Then he clicks the "Submit" button.

Now he is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable; please try again later." There is a button marked "Back." He clicks it.

A new page appears. It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."

A drunk stumbles into a confessional.

The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall.

The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy, there's no paper in this one, either!"

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayerbooks and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."

The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country."

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

When God created the earth, Adam & Eve, he found he had two baubles left over. He came to Adam & Eve & said, "I have two things left. One is the gift to piss while standing up."

Adam got very excited: "Oh, that would be so great, I would really like that. If I'm out in the fields, I can just go right there."

So Eve smiled & said, "Okay, it sounds like he really wants that." As Adam tried out his new gift, he asked out of curiousity, "What was the other gift?"

"Oh," God said, looking, "Multiple orgasms."