Religion — worst jokes

One night, a cabby picked up a nun. While he was driving, the cabby suddenly started to laugh insanely.

"Why are you laughing?" Asked the nun.

"Oh, It's nothing." said the cabby.

"No, really." said the nun "I won't mind."

So the Cabby told her: "Well, It's really silly but I've always had this fantasy of having a blow job done by a nun."

"Well then, whats your name?" The nun asked.

"Robert"

"Are you married?"

"No."

"Are you christian?"

"Yes."

"Then Pull into the next alley."

The cabby was stunned. but he didn't want to give up this chance so he pulled into the next alley. When they were finished, they returned to the cab.

While driving, the cabby started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the nun.

"I'm sorry, I've lied."

"How so?"

"Well, My name is David, I have a wife and three children, and I'm Jewish."

"Well, I've done a bit of lying too..." smiled the nun "My name is George and I'm going to a costume party."

Three friends died and went to heaven. The first friend, Sarah, was the first one to go into the pearly gates and meet "God".

"Hello Sarah, it is so nice to see you here" God said to her. "Please make yourself at home and do whatever you want. Slide down the rainbows, sleep on the clouds, just have fun. BUT DON'T Step on the ducks" God said. "We love and cherish ducks here".

So, Sarah goes on her merry way and enjoys herself. Until OPPS! She steps on a duck. Suddenly the ugliest, most hideous man pops up and Sarah realized she must spend the rest of her life with him.

Next, Olivia goes into the pearly gates and God tells her the same thing. "Do whatever you want, just DON'T step on the ducks". So, Olivia goes on her way and OPPS! She steps on a duck. And she, too has to spend the rest of her life with a ugly, hideous man.

The last friend, Jenn, goes to meet and God and he tells her the same thing. "DON'T STEP on the ducks".

Finally, a few weeks lateer, Olivia and Sarah are with their ugly men and they run into Jenn. And Jenn is with the most gorgeous guy that anyone had seen.

"How did you get so lucky and have such a hot guy"? Sarah asked her.

And the gorgeous guy looks up and says "I stepped on a Duck"!

After a meeting with the Pope, Bill Clinton held a press conference and announced that they had a very successful conference and had agreed on about 60% of what they discussed.

When asked what they discussed, Clinton replied: "The Ten commandments."

A priest and a Nun were lost in the desert, riding on a camel. All of a sudden, the camel dies, and their only transportation is gone.

The nun and the Priest are now doomed to die, and they decide to just sit and talk and confess some things...during their conversations, they come across the subject of sex.

The Nun then shyly speaks, "I am a virgin, and have never seen what is between a man's legs". So the Priest, being pretty confident about his size, whips it out, and tells her, "This is a tool...the tool that gives life".

The nun thinks for awhile, and says - "well then Mr, how about you shove that thing up that dead camel's ass!"

What do the Pope and the Rams both appearing in the St. Louis Trans World Dome have in common?
→ They both feature 3 million people saying 'Jesus Christ!'

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. The nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the side, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much.

So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said........

"Not very freakin' strong tonight, are you Batman!"

What do you call a dead athiest?
→ All dressed up and no place to go!

- Baby Jim: Mommy, does God use our toilet?

- Mom: No Jim, what made you ask?

- Baby: Every morning, Daddy goes up to the toilet and says: "Oh God! Are you still in there!"

Four nuns are driving to market and get hit by a drunk driver and all four nuns die. They get in line to go through pearly gates and wait for St. Peter to admit them.

St. Peter goes to the nuns and says "I realize that you are sisters of the cloth, but I must ask you if you have anything to report to me that might be a sin."

The sisters thought for a while and the first nun went to St. Peter. "I once touched a man's penis with this finger". St. Peter thought for a while and said. "I'm sure it was in the line of duty; Place your finger in that holy water and swirl it around." She did as she was instructed and "PING" she was in.

The second nun went to St. Peter and said, "I once touched a man's genitals with my entire right hand." Again St. Peter thought for a while and said, "I'm sure it was within your duties; Swirl your hand in that holy water and go in." The second nun did as she was instructed and "ping" she was in.

All of a sudden the 4th nun jumped in front of the 3rd nun. St. Peter was really confused by this. "How come you cut in front of Sister?"

The 4th nun replied, "I just wanted to know if I could gargle with that holy water before she soaked her ass in it!"

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father yells to his son, "Hurry boy - go get your mother!"