Random joke from this category
The five most constipated people in the Bible:
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.
The congregation was sitting and waiting for the preacher to began his sermon when two masked men burst into the church and said "Whoever is not willing to take a bullet for Jesus better leave now." More than half of the congregation jumped up and ran out the door. The two men took off their masks, sat in the front row and said, "Okay, Reverend, you can preach now. All the hyprocrites are gone."
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
- SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
- SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
- SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?
- SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
- SM: It's not working.
- SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
- SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
- SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
- SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
- SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
- SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
- SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
- SM: And?
- SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
- SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
- SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
- SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
- SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
- SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
- SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.
The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were newlyweds. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over." The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty !" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The Teacher fainted.
Why did the Priest go to Walmart?
→ He wanted to get boys pants "half" off!
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.
Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move.
So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"
What is white and flies across the sky?
→ The coming of the Lord.
10 Signs Your Amish Teen's In Trouble
